SANDWICHED ...

In September last year, my mother underwent major surgery to have a malignant tumor removed from her stomach. The surgeon also saw fit to remove her Gall Bladder. My sister and brother in law took my Mom into the hospital the day of her surgery. I went by her apartment building to give her a kiss and hug and wish her good luck before she got into my sister’s car.

My mom will be 85 in July. The person I saw get into my sister’s car was an amazing old lady. She lives alone and as she did in her younger years, still keeps an impeccable home. The vision I had for this stage of my Mom’s life was that she would be one of those amazing women who lived to a ripe old age, self sufficient, self reliant and totally independent.

Just a few months before her surgery, I was driving to her place to go and get her to come spend the afternoon at my house. On the way there I thought to myself that we are so lucky to have a mom who at this age we can still pick up the phone to, tell her we are on the way, and pull up at her building to find her waiting downstairs for us. She lives in a seniors building so there are a considerable number of people with walkers, canes, wheel chairs, etc. I recall so clearly pulling up and seeing my tiny – she is really short – little Mommy, always perfectly turned out, and always greeting me with the joy of seeing me reflected in her smile.

Five days after her surgery, we brought her home to recuperate at my house. To make a long story shorter, I had not anticipated the change this experience was going to create in my Mom’s life. The person that I hugged and kissed goodbye at the car is no longer here. In the space of seven months, my mother has become an old lady. She spends all her time in bed and we have just recently placed a full time care giver to live with her. While she did well in not having to undergo any chemo or radiation therapy, this whole experience, and perhaps the effects of the anesthetic and morphine she was on for five days, basically knocked the life out of her.

Needless to say, all our lives changed drastically without any warning or time to prepare for it. My mom went from being totally independent to totally needy, in a time frame that felt like overnight. She herself is struggling with the harsh reality of her life now because she is an extremely proud woman. She is feeling disgusted in herself, hates the fact that she needs the help we are trying to give her, and her resistance of the whole situation makes it so much harder to deal with than it needs to be.

There have been days where I have just sat and cried. I feel bad and sad for her, I feel sad for myself. My mom has always been my rock. She is the kind of person for whom giving up was never an option. She has always dealt with whatever life has thrown at her and come out on top of every situation. There are some mornings when I can hear in her voice that she is actually quite pissed off that she woke up. Today she is again going for a scan as a new situation has arisen and there is now cause for concern with regard to her liver. I don’t know what these tests will reveal and I refuse to dwell in the possibility of the worst case scenario. Until we know, we don’t know.

I have found myself dwelling on topics that I don’t have answers to. I have found myself angry on some days because her exhaustion with it all has made it look like she is giving up. Selfishly, it feels like she is giving up on me and I don’t know how to deal with it. While I am indeed loved by many, there is no greater love for me than that of my mother’s and it is because of this fact that I find it so hard to think of her giving up on any level. I went through a few weeks of being really angry at her. I hated myself for it. I took out one of my favorite photos of her from when she was in second grade and I placed it on my desk.

I did this to remind myself that although she is my mother, she’d had a mother too. My mother at one time had received a mother’s love the same way that she loves me as her child. It was a reminder to me that my grandmother is looking down on this and I have a responsibility to her, to take care of my mother, her child, the way she would have done. This had a very grounding effect on me and it got me through that anger.

This experience has shown me how absolutely essential it is to make preparations for these years of our lives. When we are old, when we might be sick and when we will need complete and total unconditional love and support from our children. It has shown me how we have a responsibility to our children to make financial arrangements for when we are old. We need to make sure there are plans in place that will see us through the years in our lives when we can no longer take care of ourselves the way we used to. I have also seen that these years come way quicker than we ever might have imagined.

I visited my mom yesterday and when I left, I realized that I was feeling so much better than I have in the last seven months. The lady taking care of her is a gem. People who do this kind of work are angels among us. I asked my mom if she was perhaps feeling better for having the help. I know what a struggle it is for her to admit to this, in spite of how much better things might be for her. Her nature dictates that needing help is a sign of weakness. To my relief and joy, she said to me that now she had tried it, she does see it is better for her. I felt a load lift off my shoulders and a weight off my heart.

My sister sent me this video clip and my niece then sourced this second clip which is a follow up to the first. I strongly urge you to watch these. There are so many people who find themselves in similar situations to that which I have just shared with you about my own family, and what you will see in these clips. I know I found comfort in them, and I expect you will too.

I always look for the blessings in all difficult situations in my life. I really do believe they are there to be had if you are willing to look for them. In this instance, I hope that my mother realizes that the sense of responsibility my sister and I feel towards her is a manifestation of the amazing values she taught us and that it is part of her legacy to enjoy while she is still here. Furthermore, if we best teach our children by example, I know what we are doing is the right thing.

JULY 2007 ~ Celebrating Mom's 84th and Ross' 11th birthday.

PAULINE ~ Circa 1929 ~ Jewish Government School ~ Johannesburg, South Africa

WEEKEND ...

It was DDTF's birthday yesterday. That means, SUPER BOWL party on Sunday.

We are heading off for a little adventure today which I will share with you next week.

I just had to stop and honor my husband, our favorite DDTF and remind him how much he is loved, adored and appreciated.

No mistaking who this household supports - be they in the game or not.

UPSET ...

While driving home from taking Ross to school this morning, hearing the news about the unfortunate passing of Heath Ledger and trying not to listen to the bullshit being assumed about the cause of his death ...

... I realized how my feelings were so similar to those on a day back in London in 1997.

Michael Hutchence

January 22, 1960 - November 22, 1997

'Death ends a life, not a relationship.'

~ Robert Benchley

MIXED BAG ...

One of the emails I received today was from SIMPLY AUDIO BOOKS. I rent audio CDs through this site which operates much the same way as Netflix does. They were requesting their users to participate in a short survey. The entry in my email In Box therefore read as:

Simply Audiobooks How happy are you, Dawn?

For some reason I found it amusing and it triggered my idea for this post. So, in no particular order, here is a list of some things that are making me happy at the moment.

From Simply Audio Books, I just finished listening to THE MEASURE OF A MAN: A Spiritual Autobiography by Sidney Poitier. I enjoyed it immensely. The real treat is that Mr. Poitier narrates. It gives a great sense of having a private audience with this very interesting man. I've linked it through Amazon as it gives you a chance to look into the book.

Of course, no such list of mine would be complete without my all time favorite of favorites! I love every minute of this CD which I recently treated myself to. I must confess that it was my absolute teenage-esque adoration of the cover that made me buy it. I knew I would like the song list so I didn’t even bother checking it. I wanted that pic.

This joke also came to me by email. One of those rare ones that you burst out laughing at:

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, clearly knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir." says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "Hello." and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They are called tees." replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" enquiries the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.

"Fook me!" says the Irishman, "BMW t'inks of everything!"

I am a complete and total FOOD NETWORK addict. I TiVo as much as I can and I watch even more. A lot of people find Sandra Lee a bit weird. I do agree that her over-the-top changing of the kitchen to match her outfit for every show is a little funky, but having watched her life story, I felt inspired by her success. She comes up with some really quick and easy recipes that are very yummy. I don’t have a sweet tooth, but the ease of this dessert got my attention. I went out and got the ingredients the same day that I saw the show, and it was really nice. Everyone enjoyed it. You can check it out here.

My sister recommended this movie and it was great! If you haven’t seen SPITFIRE GRILL yet, it is worth a look-see. It’s not earth moving, but the characters and the story line are interesting, and although the twist became predictable as the movie progressed, I enjoyed it. Having said all this, I never read reviews and always say that movies are a matter of personal taste and everyone has their own likes and dislikes.

The book I am currently listening to is THE MEMORY KEEPER’S DAUGHTER. The story involves the birth of a Down’s syndrome baby. I listen to these books only in my car. (Between TV and radio, it’s commercial overload). At one point in the story today, I turned the CD off as my thoughts were distracting me from listening to the story. I was thinking about how we take our well and healthy children for granted. The birth of a perfectly healthy child is such a gift, and sometimes we kind of take it in our stride and don’t stop often enough to acknowledge the magnitude of the miracle and blessing. I remembered a time when good friends of mine were struggling to get pregnant. The husband commented on how people have sex, get pregnant and sail through bringing their child into the world. He expressed his feelings of frustration and at times anger over the struggle they were enduring.

Later in the day I was chatting on line to a friend who lives in New Zealand. He told me that there is a video clip he wanted to share with me that he had found to be inspiring. It was as if the Universe had heard my thoughts. It was as if the thanks I gave out and the gratitude I felt while driving earlier in the day had been received and heard and the Universe responded almost immediately. I thought about how lucky I am, especially in view of the fact that I got pregnant pre-diagnosis of Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy; to have brought our wonderful Ross into the world. I thanked my body, with all its weaknesses and less than perfect aspects, for all that it has done and all that I hope it will still do for me.

In Hebrew there is a phrase KOL HAKAVOD. The literal translation means 'all honor'. It is used idiomatically to express the praise or congratulations for an achievement. As humbly as is possible, I say KOL HAKAVOD to these people. You can watch the video clip here.

LOOKIN' MIGHTY HAPPY - RIGHT?

IF ...

… I could send an email to my brother in heaven, this is what it will say:

I have never missed you more than last week when I had the pleasure of meeting your daughter’s husband for the first time.

No-one deserves the chance at happiness, security and a good life more than either of your two children. Our family grew by the addition of three new members last year, all within a few weeks of each other. Two of those marriages were your daughters. Unfortunately I couldn’t be at either of the two weddings in Amsterdam.

From the moment you left us to go be elsewhere, I have hoped that you are happily dancing with the angels. I also hope that you are smiling down on all of us while you dance and that you are seeing the joy your children are living.

Your daughter did you proud. Your daughter has found the place she deserves. Your daughter is radiant in her bliss and her husband is just what you would have hoped for, for her.

I miss you always, but I missed you more this past Shabbas. I would give just about anything to see you with your children again, and with my child … just about anything.

Sweetly, my darling brother!

SHALOM 2007 ...

COOL ...

I had a business meeting scheduled at my home on Wednesday morning with someone I have not met in person before. When he called to confirm a few days earlier, I made a point of mentioning that he should please be careful on the walkway as it was very icy. The weather has been really bad these last few weeks and with DDTF being away the whole week in Hong Kong, no-one was available to shovel and salt the area. Selfishly I didn’t pay too much attention to it as Ross and I exit and enter the house through the garage. If I drove slowly and carefully enough down the driveway, I would manage not to get the car into trouble in spite of the layer of ice that was now my driveway. My lovely neighbor, Stan ploughed the driveway for me on the Sunday, but under the snow was a layer of ice from the rain and freezing temperatures from the week before. It was a real mess.

When Person A. called me to tell me he was on his way but running late, I once again cautioned him to negotiate his way very carefully up the walkway to the front door. He told me that I had mentioned this previously, that he had heard me and that he, “got it!”

My office window is directly above the walkway. I was working at my desk when suddenly I heard a loud and clear THUD outside on the walkway. I couldn’t move. I put my head in my hands and the first thought that went through my mind was, “Oh great – we are about to be sued by Person A.” I remained glued to my chair as I heard yet another THUD … and another … and another. By this time, still glued to my chair, I had visions of the ambulance arriving with DDTF’s colleagues coming to rescue the THUDDER off my walkway. I was thinking to myself that although there was really no point in my going to his rescue because how would I be able to lift him off the ice, I had to go downstairs and see what was happening. The picture I had formed in my head while the THUDDING continued and seemed to get LOUDER with each THUD, was one of Person A. lying on the walkway THUDDING his fists on the ice to get someone’s attention from inside the house.

I managed to dislodge my terrified ass off my chair and mustered up the courage to look out of my office window. To my shock and relief, I see Person A. on his feet … and the explanation to the THUDDING took me by complete surprise.

I got on my stair chair, made my way down to the front door, opened it, and all I could think to say was, “WHAT are you doing?” Important to note at this point that I had not met Person A. before, I had only ever spoken with him on the phone.

“Person A. asked me to come by and do this before he got here.” he said.
“Yeah, right – I do recognize your voice. I can’t believe you are doing this* for me.” I replied.
“Well,” he said, “I study torah every week and I have learnt that one of the best ways to build bridges is to do something for someone when they least expect it. So, thank YOU, for giving me the opportunity to do this for you!” he explained.

To clarify, – this* amounted to close to 45 minutes of hard labor – breaking the ice and then shoveling it away – this was no small task.

I could not believe that this total stranger arrived here, having totally planned to shovel my walkway with no knowledge of how much work this would take. He came equipped with an ice breaker, snow shovel, the boots and gloves to do it in and the sole intention of extending this random act of kindness to me.

I don’t think I could have scripted a better story if I had tried that would so perfectly speak of what the season of goodwill is all about.

Needless to say, we went on to have a very successful meeting and what he did was totally super cool, don’t you think?

HAPPY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!