DAWN UNPLUGGED

HOW ...

2010-05-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

It is two weeks and a day since my mother passed away. I had not anticipated how my world was going to change.

I have lost a lot of people who I was very close to over a number of years. I have lost a brother, a cousin almost the same age as me, numerous friends the same age as me, and friends who were younger than me. What I find in the passing of my mother, and what has made this different from all these other losses, is that there is no tragedy in this. My mother’s passing, as sad as it is, is in line with the natural order of things. I find this comforting and the emotions so much easier to manage than the chaos of the other losses. At those times, I felt like I didn’t know on any level what was happening other than feeling like it shouldn’t have been happening. I never knew where to put those emotions and it took a long time for that chaos to shift to calm. There has been no chaos in this for me. There has and is a lot of calm in this for me. But what I am overwhelmed with is the hugeness of my sadness. I honestly cannot articulate this in any better way. I have never experienced this kind of huge sadness ever before in my entire life. I have expressed it to a number of people by saying that I feel like I have been hit over the head with a wok and I am trapped in the “boing” sound.

At the same time as all this sadness, however, I am experiencing an equally deep sense of gratitude. I am grateful for the fact that through the enormous generosity of a family friend and the help of members of my immediate family, we were able to meet my mother’s request of keeping her in her own home as this is where she wanted to be at the time of her passing. We were able to give her this. How do you ever reciprocate this kind of generosity? Betty was her personal care giver for well over a year. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, this kind and generous woman was there for my mom and by being there, made it possible for me and my sister to put our heads down at night knowing our mother was in good hands. How does one ever reciprocate this kind of kindness?

Two and a half years ago, Pauline was given a prognosis of 6 months (without treatment), to a year. With her incredible strength and faith in living her G-d given days, she opted for no chemo or any other treatment. Having seen the suffering that other loved ones endured in their fights against cancer, Pauline’s journey can only be described as miraculous. While this made her illness like a slow train coming, as a result of a fall a week prior to her passing, we believe internal bleeding suddenly brought on a turn for the worse and with no warning, from one day to the next, it was clear that the beginning of her end process had begun. This took a mere two and a half days … after two and a half years of being the “healthiest” terminally ill person I have ever seen. Although sudden, we were all still fortunate enough to have our chance to say our goodbyes. We were all able to be at her side when she wanted us there most. We were able to linger in her home after she was taken away from us. As DDTF and I drove out of the parking area in her apartment complex, I said to him that I was feeling so much gratitude about being able to walk away from her home, rather than from an arbitrary hospital room. Through the indescribable help and care from the Compassionate Care Hospice organization, we were guided through this process in such a way that Pauline’s physical comfort and pain management were of priority over that two and a half day period. I felt so much gratitude that Pauline did not have to have tubes and needles and machines pulled out of her tiny, little body at that time. How do you give back on this level?

I had not given much thought to how I would be or what I would feel when my mother’s final moments approached. I am very much a heart centered person. I feel things first, then I think about them. My feelings and emotional responses to life are never pre-meditated. I cannot anticipate how I am going to feel about things before they happen. I trust my instinct to guide me through and I know my intellect will play its part in dealing with my choices as I go through them. It was because of this that it was moment-by- moment for me and when I felt in my heart that I did not want to see my mother actually pass away, I knew it was ok to feel that way. My sister, her husband, Betty and DDTF were there. I placed a photograph of Pauline with Ross on her bed and a photograph of my late brother on the bed, too. I hadn’t planned that or thought about, it just happened that way for me. I said my goodbye, and I left the room. It felt to me that everyone followed about fifteen minutes later, but DDTF said it was no more than about two minutes prior to her final breaths that I had left the room. It ultimately doesn’t matter what that length of time was. How it happened felt totally ok for me.

I will always remember the feeling in my heart at 1:12pm on May 10th, 2010. Two months short of her 87th birthday, my darling mother transitioned from this world to where I believe is her final resting place. I also believe she is reunited with the many people she has loved and yearned for, for many years. What I have felt since then, is that it was only at that moment in time that the cord between me and my mother was cut. Be it a play on words or not, of course I am aware that it was cut at birth, but it feels to me that this was the moment where the disconnect actually took place – not a minute before. The transition is then from that physical connection to what we speak of and describe as her now being in my heart and part of my soul for ever. What I also feel is that I came hurtling into adulthood in that single moment. It is now my turn to be the elder in my little family. So, for me there is clearly profound re-adjusting and re-aligning to do.

I had not made any decisions about the extent to which I would observe the mourning laws and rituals. What I can say is that I felt a need to DO something to express the feelings of my huge sadness, and the most comforting thing for me was to be as observant of my traditions that the extent of my knowledge allowed.

If I look at the questions I have raised in this short period of time -
How does one ever reciprocate this kind of generosity?
How does one ever reciprocate this kind of kindness?
How do you give back on this level?
- I say what my young child said to me after saying goodbye to his Bobba. He said, “Mommy, we just have to do as many mitzvahs* as possible every day to honor Bobba’s memory.”

That's how! My instinct tells me it really is that simple.

My Beloved Mother
Pauline Blumberg
July 10, 1923 to May 10, 2010
From Lithuania to New Jersey, USA

and so, so much in between!
May Your Deal Soul Rest In Peace For Ever

*in its simplest form: a meritorious or charitable act – a good deed

SOURCE ...

2010-03-08T12:47:00.000-08:00

The video clip you can watch here is the motivation for this post.

I didn’t get to see INVICTUS and am waiting for it to come out on DVD. I have said many times here that I am not a political thinker and I don’t even understand the rules of the game of Rugby. I do however remember the day South Africa won the Rugby World Cup in 1995. DDTF and I were living in Amsterdam and watched the game on TV. From the first game played, I predicted a win for South Africa.

The best way I could describe why I was so certain South Africa would win was by saying, “We had to!” It made no sense for any other country to win the Rugby World Cup as far as I was concerned.

I haven’t been back to South Africa in going on eleven years now. Friends and relatives who do visit more frequently tell me of the demise of the country as we knew it. Stories in the news and more personal accounts in emails of the crime, violence, failing infrastructure etc. are frequent and ongoing.

In spite of all this, I would love to be there for the Soccer World Cup. Whether the story told in IVICTUS is accurate or not, whether it is realistic or not, this clip captures for me what is the heart and soul of the place I call home. I can’t be any more specific in describing it because for me it is all in the feeling.

What comes through so clearly in this clip is something I believe in very strongly. While actions speak louder than words, anyone can do anything. We can extend gestures to others and we can do things to and for each other, but what matters most is what is at the heart of those actions. While the things we do can be seen by others, our motivation behind those actions are at the source; in that place where no-one else can see or hear what you do, except you. It is therefore imperative to keep that place true to yourself and the people around you. The essence of who you are lies in what you do when no-one else is watching and in the thoughts and emotions you have that no-one else can see or hear.

In the context of the South African spirit that is depicted in this clip, I believe South Africa will prove itself to be a perfect host to the Soccer World Cup and I am confident that every international visitor will leave there with a little spark in their hearts of that African magic that I believe will always exist.

INCOMINGOUTGOING . . .

2010-03-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

My friends, Audrey and Rick went off to Florida about six weeks ago. They will be back next week. I undertook to take care of some of their house plants during this time.

I sent Audrey an email with a pic of the one plant. The following email exchange unfolded:

From: dawn

Date: Monday, February 8, 2010 3:19 pm

Subject: IMG00234.jpg

To: audrick

Hello, Mommy and Daddy.I'm alive but I do miss you.

Love,

Your Plant x x x

From: audrick

To: dawn
Subject: Re: IMG00234.jpg

Sent: Feb 8, 2010 7:07 PM

Hello Planty!

To tell you the truth, we haven't thought about you for a frikkin minute!
Love & kisses,

Mummy & Daddy

From: dawn

Date: Monday, February 8, 2010 7:53 pm

Subject: Re: IMG00234.jpg

To: audrick

Dear Mummy and Daddy,
Not sure how I feel about that but I can tell you I'm getting quite attached to the skinny kid. The large, round woman, not so much. Next time Mum, write and tell me how you really feel!

Love your child,

Planty. Xxx

From: audrick

Date: Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:03:01

To: dawn

Subject: Re: IMG00234.jpg

Dear Planty,

We hope our previous comments didn't damage your self esteem or root system. It's just that the plants down here are so much better than you.....what's a parent to do? Maybe the skinny kid and large, round woman can adopt you permanently.

Hugs,

Mums & Daddy

From: dawn

Date: Tuesday, February 9, 2010 10:08 pm

Subject: Re: IMG00234.jpg

To: audrick

Although weakened by your last email, Mumsy - I think I am still well rooted. While I appreciate your honesty (*sob*) telling me the plants down there are nicer than me sets a new record even for you Mumsy, dearest! Perhaps the large, round woman IS a better option for me. For some reason that I am still trying to get to the root of, she keeps looking at me and saying, "You call yourself a plant - and what the f*ck you so happy about, anyway?" I think sucking up to the skinny kid might be the way to grow. Please tell Dad I say hi.

Your,

Planty xoxo

From: audrick
To: dawn3
Sent: Thursday, February 11, 2010 9:22 AM
Subject: Re: IMG00234.jpg

Ya know, Planty, your whining is starting to get on my nerves. You're starting to act like Daddy. I would think that this is a genetic trait, but he's not green. Besides, it looks like you have it pretty good there. The large, round woman put you near a window and the skinny kid waters you. For f*ck's sake, what else do you want?

Just one question though...where's the bald-headed guy?

He's supposed to be taking care of you, too. Jeez.....is it asking too much to go on vacation and expect people to take care of everything at home for you??????? For only 6 weeks?????????

Love & Kisses & Hugs,

Mummy and Daddy

SKINNY KID & PLANTY

CHILDREN ...

2010-02-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

This is the year that Ross turns 13 and becomes Bar Mitzvah. Throughout this school year, he attends the Bar (for a boy) and Bat (for a girl) Mitzvah’s of all his classmates. In some instances, DDTF and I are invited as well.

At each service, there is a program that describes the activities of the shul we are attending, the service, and various other aspects about the event and the child being celebrated.

At a recent Bat Mitzvah, there was a poem in the program that brought tears to my eyes. I sat there thinking about the love we all have for our children. I looked around the shul which was filled with a mix of people. There were people there I consider to be friends, some mere acquaintances and others I had never seen before. We were however all united by several common threads; our heritage, an understanding of what we were there for and of course, wanting only the best for our children as they move toward their futures.
I am not sure why, but I also found myself thinking about how quick people are to judge others. We form opinions about people without any knowledge of what goes on in their lives. I find this interesting because we all go about our lives wanting, needing and striving for the same things: Acceptance, love, to be respected and quite simply, just to be seen and appreciated. It’s unfortunate how easily distracted we are from what is important to us and how quickly we forget that each person may feel the same way as we do.

As soon as I could get Ross’ attention, I called him over to me and just held him close. I was sitting behind the last pew as I was in my wheelchair. I was so grateful in that moment to have this child who has an amazing ability to move through life and not be hindered by my restrictions at all in a world that can be overly harsh at times. I closed my eyes for a while and listened to the Hebrew commentary, none of which I understand because I don’t read or speak Hebrew yet it takes me to a place I enjoy very much. I thanked my G-d for my blessings and I thanked my body for sustaining the process of bringing this child into my world.

This evening, Daniel and I had all our children at home for the first time in almost two years. Somehow, through hardship and the deepest of hurt and lack of understanding, the togetherness of a family ultimately makes the most sense. To quote someone whose name I can’t recall right now, “To find peace, you have to find all the pieces”.

DAWN AND ROSS - 1997

ROSS - FIRST DAY, FIRST GRADE - 2003

ALEX, ROSS & DAVID - 2004

WHAT I WISH FOR MY CHILD,
I WISH FOR ALL OUR CHILDREN
I wish for you to be a
person of character
strong but not tough,
gentle but not weak.

I wish for you to be
Righteous but not self-righteous
honest but not unforgiving.

Wherever you journey, may your steps be firm
and may your walk in just paths
and not be afraid.
Whenever you speak, may your words
Be words of wisdom and friendship.

May your hands build
and your heart preserve what is good
and beautiful in our world.

May the voices of the generations of our people
move through you
and may the G-d of our ancestors
be your G-d as well.

May you know that there is a people,
a rich heritage, to which you belong
and from that sacred place
you are connected to all who dwell on earth.

May the stories of our people
be upon your heart
and the grace of the Torah rhythm
dance in your soul.

Rabbi Sandy Eisenberg Sasso

48 ...

2010-02-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

On Sunday 1/31 DDTF celebrated his 48th birthday. For those who don’t already know, DDTF is Daniel, my wonderful husband. I could get all schmaltzy and soppy and list an A-Z of positive and colorful adjectives to describe him, but for those who know him, that won’t be necessary. DDTF stands for DAN DAN THE FIREMAN.

Soon after settling into our new town when we arrived in the States, Daniel came home one day and told me that he had stopped in at the local firehouse and signed up as a volunteer. Ours is one of many volunteer emergency services. I was shocked and had mixed feelings about it. My first reaction was that as far as I am concerned, the idea is to run out of a burning building and not into it by choice. He was adamant though that this was something he wanted to do and felt that the knowledge he would gain from his training as a medical first responder would also stand us in good stead in terms of my disability. (I tend to throw myself at the ground from time to time involuntarily so I guess living with a first responder is quite a plus even though I have begged him to go to beauty school and get a hairdresser license!)

Being part of a volunteer department extends way beyond answering 911 ambulance and fire calls. These men and women go through ongoing training programs, attend drills, serve their community with all sorts of events. The department hosts an annual family festival which boasts one of the best fireworks displays in our county. They deliver fire awareness programs in the public schools and more. There are families in this department whose lives revolve around the firehouse, its members and its place in the community.

Memorial Day Parade 2009 - Second from left Assistant Drill Master DDTF in charge of the Color Guard.
(Pizzeria in background is to confirm that we are in a small American town. Volunteer fire fighters and pizza go hand-in-hand.)
What amazes me about these people is how they take it in their stride. To wake up out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night or early in the morning and rush out on an ambulance call certainly gets the adrenaline going. To come home a short time later knowing that you have just played an integral role in saving someone’s life has to be a most humbling experience.

I feel honored to be able to talk about my husband this way. I feel blessed to be his wife and I am grateful for him being the father of my children.

These pics show the two life saving awards that DDTF has earned.

SMILE ...

2010-01-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

You might notice a trend over the next month or two that leans toward the number 50. I am turning 50 this year and it is on my mind a lot. I am not having any kind of crisis about it. The best word I can use to describe how I feel is DISBELIEF. Saying that in and of itself seems somewhat silly as it is very real. I think that being the youngest child in a family of three children with substantial age differences between the siblings, has always kept me feeling distinctly young. I am not suggesting that 50 means old on any level, but as the youngest child, 50 always seemed very grown up.

One of my uncles always spoke of his desire to retire at the age of fifty. I can recall the night his 50th Retirement Party was held and watching my mom get dressed for the occasion. This also had a big impact on my perception of fifty being a very serious adult age.

Having a Bucket List at 50 seems a bit premature. I have however found myself thinking that there are some things I should have done by the age of 50. It is totally in keeping with my modus operandi to leave things to the last minute so jumping out of an aeroplane and swimming with dolphins are certainly not going to happen before March 28th.

Life does however present us with all sorts of opportunities every day if we are willing to see them. I am making a concerted effort to be more conscious of the things that happen around me through which I can achieve some things that in retrospect I will be pleased about having done by the time I was 50. After living in the USA for almost nine years, being an AVON lady is one of those obvious things. I enrolled and am enjoying the process of building a little business that is growing month by month.

Catching up on my friend Angel’s blog, I read about a writing competition. Angel enters these frequently and her courage to do so inspired me to participate this time. Using a photograph for inspiration, contestants were invited to compose a short fiction (or poetry) piece no more than 250 words in any genre or style. I have never considered myself to be poetic and from the length of my blog posts, it’s obvious that I am not very good at writing very short stories! I tend to lean toward the more verbose side of things. I decided however that having entered a writing contest is definitely something I want on my ‘Done by 50’ list. I went to the site, looked at the photograph and wrote down my spontaneous reaction. You can see my entry here. I am entry number 185.

I headed this post SMILE because when I do something a little out of the ordinary or something that feels a bit risky, when I go to tell DDTF about it I always start with, “Don’t laugh, but I just want to tell you that I ……” In realizing that, it made me smile, so don’t laugh, but if you want to check out my entry, you can click here.

This is my Uncle prior to his retirement, my late cousin on his right knee, my sister in front, and that's me under the bow and hat!

INCOMING ...

2010-01-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

IN an email from a friend:

Alert Levels
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even, "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from, "No worries!" to, "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and, "The barbie is cancelled!" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

INCOMING ...

2010-01-06T17:21:00.001-08:00

I've decided to add a new feature to my blog. INCOMING ... will share a weekly email, facebook message, transcript of a voice mail or text I've received that made my day. This is the first one:

Hey Dawn -
After a while of debating whether I wanted to include my pets to any capacity on the blog, I've decided after talking to you the other day, that I was going to not only include - but make Sasha an Outsider!!

I was trying to figure out which was the best way to do this and came up with having her do interviews with city dogs, cats and whatever animal comes up. It'll all be in first person. So they can talk about their owners, dislikes, favorite toys, gossip and more.If you haven't already, check out the site to see her video and tell me what you think.

I wanted to send you a message personally, 'cause you were the reason I decided to just go for it! So thank you.

Lots of love,
Jose

Check out all the great things Jose has to offer by clicking here for THE FIVE OUTSIDERS and here for MOMENTOS RECAPTURED - the Skydiving clip is great!

SEVEN ...

2010-01-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I should have headed this post DIDN’T. I only managed seven of the potential ten RECAP posts I had intended achieving. Driving back home after dropping Ross off at school this morning, I wondered what not achieving this goal says about me. For a brief moment I got philosophical and looked at the bigger picture, and then I narrowed it down to simply, I didn’t do it. I have a tendency to over think things sometimes when it comes to my own actions, or lack of them. What is the message? – what is the lesson? – what’s the underlying thought? – what’s the motivation behind it? … etc., etc., etc. Sometimes I wish I’d just shut up! I said to myself that I was not going to dwell on this point because I can’t change the fact that I did seven instead of ten and that I should rather put time and energy into doing today’s post instead of analyzing that which I can’t change. All this before 9am – no wonder I’m exhausted by noon.

One of the strands of the belief system my mother weaved into me is, NEVER LEAVE FOR TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY. I value this and am always trying to apply it to my day-to-day activities. I am constantly trying to get the most out of my time. From the time I took Ross out of public school just before the end of 2nd grade and put him into a Jewish day school, I started volunteering. This was a very new concept for me. I had only ever exchanged the investment of my time and skills for a pay check. Because I am limited in being able to do hands-on stuff at the school, I took on many administrative type roles that I could do from home. I coordinated other volunteer programs, I arranged school trips, I entered data, I collected funds for gifts for teachers, I coordinated many, many RSVP’s for many events, I counted coupons, I collected receipts, I encouraged other volunteers. This all amounted to the equivalent of a part time administrative work from home situation in exchange for nothing more than the sheer pleasure of doing it. These were all important jobs that had to be done behind the scenes and I was more than happy doing them for close to five and a half years.

As the end of 2009 was approaching, I realized I was not enjoying this very much anymore. I also decided to do everything within my power to make 2010 the year I bring a project together that I have been working on for a couple of years now. I also have a Bar Mitzvah to plan and I would like to find a course of study to become a Life Coach. After exhausting myself mentally from over thinking it and coming to the conclusion that my child would not hate me and I wouldn’t receive a life sentence for being a quitter or deserter if I cut back on my volunteering projects, I completed them and handed them back giving the school reasonable notice with the promise to keep my services available for one extra month should any of my posts not be filled. At one point during this thought process, Ross came to me and said, “Mom, you really need to go on a volunteering diet!” At that point I came to peaceful terms with my decision.

On the day I made the decision to tell the school I was not continuing I came across this link:

YOUR ASTROLOGY GUIDE 2010

ARIESMarch 21-April 19

Conscious Self-Restraint

It's imperative that you cut back your activities, for effective pruning allows new growth to flourish. But you may bump into deeply rooted resistances as you attempt to play a larger role on the stage of life. The contradiction now is that you are at your most brilliant and nothing can hold you back, yet paradoxically the walls of reality continue to close in. You cannot get away with shooting from the hip, even if you're confident of your aim. The full enterprising power of Aries is yours when you accept the limits of society that require more precision this year. Whether you like it or not, you must slow down to get what you want.
Seriously, people – how much more of a clearer sign did I need? These signs tell me that my soul searching is never in vain. The Universe never lets me down and if I am willing to look, it will see that it always provides me with everything I need.

As a firm believer in teaching my children by example, I think I can safely assume that Ross has learned that giving of your time and energy when it is needed gives you so much more than any pay check ever will and that sometimes you have to step up to the plate just because something has to get done. I think our children have a greater chance than we did of being taught that it is vital to find the balance between making a living and making a life.

RECAP #7 ...

2010-01-01T10:46:00.000-08:00

Over the course of this last week of 2009, I have watched several TV shows that recap the songs, music vids, most shameful celebrity behavior/dress/shoes/hair/ … who cares, really – kind of stuff. Other than a few songs I recognize off the radio, I am pretty out of touch when it comes to naming songs and their artists from current hits. Watching all this stuff brought me to a point of asking this question – Am I now a victim of this thing I grew up preaching about to my parents as the source of their lack of understanding when it came to certain areas of my life … the generation gap?

When I compare the characters I wanted to be or be with back then, it’s interesting to me how they differ from my current tastes. The difference between what appealed to me then and what appeals to me now amuses me. I also think it might confirm a lot of my mom’s worst fears about my fun-totally adventurous-have no regrets-I’ll take endless risks-spent-youth!

Here are a few of the things that make up part of my BEST OF list:

More than the p.i. himself, I always wanted to hang out with HIGGINS and THE LADS

I never missed a single episode of '30 Something'. I was hooked from the first note of the theme song of the first episode. Had I been the married woman, I would have to have been Hope as I wanted to look like her, but more than anything, I wanted to be Michael’s wife. (When I met DDTF, I felt like I had found my Michael Steadman.)

I wanted to get inside David Byrnes' head and considered myself the girlfriend who was better than that!

I still want Hathaway's eyebrows and Dr. Ross was the deal maker. I wanted to be this nurse.

Oh, I so get every aspect of these two women's lives!

I can understand how Bill ends up with three wives and I would love to experience the world being as tall as Karen if just for one day. I heart Hank, too!

It takes special skill to keep it together while falling apart.

It's a matter of loyalty, people.

Consistantly my favorite, Hot Husband - Amsterdam, Circa '94/95

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2009-12-31T10:39:00.001-08:00

RECAP #6 ...

2009-12-30T18:13:00.001-08:00

Dead and Gone - Ross and mom - Take 2 (Slow Jam)

2009-12-30T18:12:00.001-08:00

2009-12-30T17:57:00.001-08:00

SNOW DAYS - CABIN FEVER - SPONTANEOUS INSANITY BY CHOICE!

Videos filmed by my niece, Lori.

RECAP #5 ...

2009-12-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

Growing up in South Africa there was no celebration like the Sweet 16 in the USA. Looking back however, I indeed had such a birthday. My BFF at the time and my boyfriend pulled off the perfect surprise party and it was fantastic. I had no clue about it and I have always remembered it and how wonderful it felt to be made to feel that special. I think birthday celebrations are important and I always make them a treat for my family.

This year we had plans with friends to go out for lunch for my birthday. I am not the world’s most punctual person by any stretch of the imagination so DDTF had started working on me a good few days ahead of my birthday telling me we had to be on time. This did not raise any suspicion at all as he gets extremely irritated when we are late.

I made a special effort as I didn’t want there to be any pressure and I didn’t want to keep anyone waiting. I got on my chair to go downstairs and the minute the chair stopped at the bottom of the first stair case, the front door burst open and in walked my brother in law carrying a large tray of food. One-by-one everyone I was expecting to meet at the restaurant filed in behind him and made their way up the stairs.

Within moments the dining room table was laid with a most lavish lunch and before I could wrap my head around what was happening, a complete surprise birthday party luncheon was taking place.

I was overwhelmed. So much thought and effort and planning had gone into this. I sat around the table with this wonderful group of people and their sheer joy and pleasure in having made this happen was clearly evident. I often tell Ross that not everything in life is instant coffee. Things sometimes need time to reach their full potential and not everything has to happen instantaneously.

That day however, it was like instant coffee and it tasted good. It was as if the instructions read:

TAKE A ROOM FULL OF YOUR PEEPS.
ADD A TABLE CLOTH AND MATCHING KNIVES/FORKS/PLATES IN YOUR FAVORITE COLOR.
MIX IN PLATTERS OF DELICIOUS FOOD.
GATHER AROUND THE TABLE AND SPRINKLE WITH A GENEROUS SERVING OF LAUGHTER AND KINDNESS IN WORDS AND GESTURES.
ENJOY DELICIOUS MEMORIES … FOR EVER!

I will remember the joy of my 49th birthday with much gratitude.

For details and more pics, click here.

RECAP #4 ...

2009-12-25T15:14:00.000-08:00

While looking for an old document this evening, I came across this pic. Now that I've been taught me how to take you to an older post by saying, "click here" - I thought it would be a great opportunity to put a face to this story as at the time of writing it, I couldn't find this pic.

Thanks, Natacha! You now get an idea of how long it has been that I have wanted to be able to do this.

While this is not a recap moment from 2009, it is a favorite memory.

CLICK HERE - yay!

RECAP #3 ...

2009-12-23T17:46:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time reading blogs. There is so much creativity out there it is mind boggling. So often I find myself reading something, listening to something, watching something and I wish I could be that creative.

I have a deep respect for artists of any discipline. I think it is both courageous and generous to put something you have created on display. I can’t imagine what it might feel like to hold an exhibition and not sell a piece of your work. I can’t imagine what it might feel like to be in a production and look out across empty seats or not get a standing ovation.

Not only do I find myself wishing I was as creative as what sometimes feels like every other blogger out there besides myself, I also often feel so intimidated that I am reluctant to even call myself a blogger.

One of my goals for 2009 was to be more creative in an arts and crafts kind of way. I wanted to make things and take the risk of putting something out there that someone might not like. I wanted to know I could do this and not be left feeling inadequate or like a failure. If the intention is to produce something, then I will have achieved that and if nobody else liked it as much as I might want them to, that’s all that will have happened. Nothing more, nothing less.

My first attempt was at scrapbooking. It is something I have always wanted to do as I believe in recording things and creating tangible memories to look back on. My friend Natacha came over with all her scrapbooking materials and at the end of the afternoon I had produced my first scrapbook page, and I loved it.

Natacha hosted a Valentine's Day dinner party which was attended by DDTF & me, Rick & Audrey and a couple I had not met before, Bill & Doug. It was appropriate to have met them on Valentine’s Day as I instantly fell in love with them. A couple of days ahead of the party, I decided I wanted to make gifts for everyone. I emailed everyone and asked them to assist me with a project I was working on. The fact that Bill and Doug responded so openly to a stranger speaks volumes about what fun they are. I asked them to:

PLEASE LIST, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER, TEN HOPES / WISHES / GOALS / DREAMS THAT YOU CARRY IN YOUR HEART. The only requirement is that 5 should be primarily concerning yourself, and 5 should extend to your partner/family.

I went to the craft store and for $1 found cute boxes. Each couple was allocated a box. I bought card and a rubber stamp. I then made up a card for each wish and created a gift for everyone which I described as their own personal wish box. I explained it was intended to serve as a reminder for them of their dreams and aspirations and that from time-to-time, they should pull a card and feel inspired to make their dreams and wishes come true.

One of the wishes expressed was, “For my children and grandchildren to always appreciate life's priceless treasures.” The card I made from this read:

It was such fun making these boxes and it felt good giving something I had made myself. I understood the importance of coloring outside of the lines.

I gladly share the credit for this creation, it is without doubt my best yet:

One of my regular blog reads is Jen Gray. I love her photography and how she expresses herself. This video sums up everything I am saying absolutely perfectly.

RECAP #2 ...

2009-12-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

The first job I had in London was based in the home of the woman I worked for. She spent most of her work day out of the office so I spent my working day alone in her living room which was set up as our work space.

I remember sitting on the couch in May 1994 watching the inauguration of Nelson Mandela. I felt so homesick and recall with absolute clarity how I thought to myself I will remember this day always for its place in history and because I sat there all alone!

When Ross approached me and asked if he could stay home to watch the inauguration of President Obama earlier this year, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. This was another important event in history and I liked the idea of him being able to say one day in the future that he remembers clearly how he stayed home from school and watched the inauguration of President Obama with his mom.

My friend Audrey came to watch with us and this was the cherry on top. Audrey is a true proud American. She loves her country and I felt flattered that she would choose to watch this memorable event with us. As soon as Audrey arrived, Ross went into the kitchen and prepared us the most delicious meal of scrambled eggs. He has this down to a fine art. He makes the most delicious scrambled eggs ever and he was proud to impress Audrey with them. He has been known to describe her cooking as, “phenomenal” and there is nothing Audrey prepares that Ross wont at least try, if not consume in its entirety. So, needless to say, he was very chuffed with himself that Audrey was seriously impressed with his culinary skills.

On her way over, Audrey stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts (DD) to get coffee for us. Before we settled in to watch the ceremony, I got Ross to take a pic of us with the coffee cups. I told Audrey that when I posted this story to my blog, she would understand why I had wanted the coffee cups to feature in the pic. Between then and now, she has not missed an appropriate opportunity to remind me that she is STILL waiting for the ‘Obama Day’ post; so Auds, here it is, finally!

Now that my friend Natacha is blogging, I will soon learn how to reference previous posts by saying, “click here” because Natacha is going to teach me how to do that. Until then I will have to reference them by title and date. In FRIENDSHIP 6/17/08 and SMOOTH 6/30/08 I spoke about the joy of DD visits I shared with my friend (A)Denise. When Audrey called me on her way to my house to ask if I wanted her to pick up coffees, my thoughts immediately went to (A)Denise. I knew how much she would have enjoyed being here with us and I also knew how excited she would have been about the outcome of the election. I missed her that morning with extra energy and I really wished she could have been with us. As Audrey and I posed with the coffee, I thought to myself that this one was again for her.

So there, Auds – you might not have known it at the time, but the day was special and meaningful to me for many different reasons.

P.S. Ross, I'm sorry I didn't think of taking a pic of us together. :( My bad!

RECAP ...

2009-12-21T17:26:00.001-08:00

I sometimes wonder if there’s anyone besides me who gets down at this time of the year. I don’t know if it’s the realization that time gone is just that, never to be regained but I honestly find myself feeling quite miserable at times as the end of the year approaches.

In just over three months I am going to be turning fifty years old. This number does not freak me out, but it does have me shaking my head and thinking that I have no clue about how quickly this happened. It is a birthday that has got me thinking. Most importantly, I want to be sure that I use my time wisely. This in itself is a topic I could write volumes about, but I will elaborate on that over the next few blog posts.

One of the things that leave me feeling less than happy is the small number of blog posts I have done this year. My blog was started as way of keeping in touch with the many friends and family I have around the world. Over the years I have acquired new friends through my blog, not in any great numbers, but in great value. This makes it worth keeping my blog going. The other good reason to keep my blog going is because it gives me pleasure. I feel a great sense of achievement every time I post something. I love getting positive feedback and every comment I receive I value a lot. I have touched on this before but again I say that I purposely do not respond to comments on my blog. I never wanted to turn the comments section into a discussion platform. My blog is my space and the comments section is yours. I have had people shift from the comments section to email and those I am happy to exchange. So again, to every person who comes back more than once thank you for still being here and thank you for the messages you leave me.

Those people who have been through this last year and even 2008 with me via my blog would agree that it has been quite miserable at times. Yes, it’s a reflection of the ups and downs of my life and it clearly shows that there has been an underlying thread of loss and sadness present over the past two years. I have lost family members and friends whom I love like family. Earlier today I was looking for a pic to share with someone by email, and as I scrolled through pics from both 2008 and 2009, I realized that there have been some amazingly upbeat and wonderful times. I also realized that I love sharing these things with everyone via my blog.

As I was having a conversation with myself in my head, I reminded myself that I never make new year’s resolutions as I believe that’s setting myself up for disappointment. I do however believe in goals, and with that in mind, I set myself this goal. I am going to post a RECAP story every day starting with this one, leading up to January 1st, 2010. Thereafter, I set a goal to post something every single day, Monday to Friday, through the whole of 2010. I will admit that after watching Julie & Julia recently, I wished I had thought of that first, written the blog, then the book and then the movie, but I didn’t! It did however inspire me to see if I could set my own blogging goal and achieve it.

So, with that in mind, I will be back tomorrow with RECAP #2.

SNIFF ...

2009-12-16T17:43:00.000-08:00

From: Natacha
To: Dawn
Sent: Sunday, December 13, 2009 8:32 PM
Subject: Pingy

I know you when you look at this photo you will shed a tear or two, but I couldn't resist giving this to you as a memory of the way you should remember Pingy....and because you are special to me...xxx

PACT - PART 2

2009-12-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

With reference to my post of August 17th ...

As it turned out, circumstances beyond my control prevented me from going into NYC with Lauren.

What I didn’t mention in the first PACT post was that even with the distance between us, Lauren and I were of great comfort to each other when we each went through the painful experience of losing our older siblings.

Lauren’s pain is still very much just under the surface of her life. While I miss my late brother every single day, and not a day goes by without thinking of him, the sadness has found a place for itself within the flow of my day-to-day life. I know Lauren will get there too. I think we all get there with our losses because we are meant to continue with our lives. I also believe that living out being the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be is how we honor the memory of those we love and miss.

I had planned to do something with Lauren at Strawberry Fields and as her departure day started drawing nearer, I decided it would be a good idea to still do what I had wanted to do but instead of at Strawberry Fields, it would be at home. As sad as saying goodbye can be, having spent such a wonderful time together I wanted it to rather be uplifting, meaningful and memorable.

I had arranged with Ross that as soon as Craig and the kids were in the car, he was to bring out the balloons that were in my office. We had bought these with Lauren two days before and I had told her she would just have to wait and see what they were for.

Just as Lauren and I were about to say goodbye, I explained to her that I had wanted to do this at Strawberry Fields. I handed her a balloon, and together with gratitude for their love, and with our hearts filled with the love of their memory, we released the balloons – one for Willie, one for Hazel.
We watched them float away and they truly looked like they were dancing together in the sky.

It was a perfect day. It was a perfect way to say goodbye, in more ways than one.

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO THE LIVING MEMORIES OF:

Willie & Hazel

ANNIVERSARY ...

2009-09-04T17:00:00.001-07:00

On September 5th, 1993 we were married in Johannesburg, South Africa.

It has indeed been a sweet sixteen!

PACT ...

2009-08-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

While we were still living in London, my friend Paula asked me if she could give a friend of hers my email address. She spoke about a family of three who had also arrived in the UK from South Africa. Paula wanted DDTF to look at the husband’s resume to see if he could introduce him to people who could assist with finding work.

I received the resume and responded to the wife explaining to her that I was about to leave for a week’s vacation in South Africa and immediately on my return I was going in for knee surgery. I told her that once I was back on my feet, I would get in contact as we should meet. She replied to me saying that she was in fact also going “home” to South Africa as she too was undergoing knee surgery. Hers was more complicated than mine and as they were so new to the UK, it would be easier for her to recuperate in South Africa where her family could assist with taking care of her baby son. We went on to exchange one or two more emails but never got around to meeting.

Some months later I was invited to a mutual friend of mine and Paula’s for tea one Saturday afternoon. I have mentioned before that Paula was like my publicist in London. All the friends I made there I met through her. While standing in the kitchen chatting to some of the other women there, I got speaking to Lauren. After a short while, I realized that this was the person I had exchanged emails with those many months ago. Once we established who each of us were, discussed our knee surgery experiences and sat down to tea, the connection was instant. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to speak to each other soon.

The Monday following the tea party I called her and in the good humor that we share, I told her that I know it sounded insane, but I was so excited about having met her, that I felt like I wanted to date her! She agreed. We laughed and spoke, and the rest as they say, is history.

It was just about a year later that we left the UK for the States. By the time we departed, Lauren and I had gone on to secure a wonderful friendship even though it had only been for a year. We went back to London after a year in the States for a short visit, and that was the last time we saw each other. In spite of the time and distance, our friendship has continued to grow. Our contact has gone in phases. Sometimes weeks can go by and we don’t speak to each other or exchange an email. It doesn’t matter. Whenever we do speak or email, we carry on where we left off as if no time has passed.

When we left London, Lauren and I made a pact. I do not recall how this came to be or why other than out of our mutual love for the Beatles, particularly John Lennon. The pact we made was that I would not visit Strawberry Fields without her.

The news of her visit came as a complete surprise about three months ago. Unbeknown to me, she had been texting with DDTF to try and plan the arrival as a complete surprise to me. They decided it would be easier if I knew about it. This did not detract from the surprise. I was overjoyed to learn that Lauren her husband, Craig and the now three kids, would all be visiting in August.

I mentioned this to another friend of mine here when visiting for dinner one night. When we got to my friend Merle’s house, I noticed a photograph her daughter had taken of a friend of hers. She had taken this picture of her friend on the beach and was now giving it to her as a gift. It was a great shot of her friend jumping in the air and she timed it so that she captured the moment with both her friend’s feet off the ground. It was in a particularly pretty frame which I admired, too.

A couple of weeks later Merle came over to my house for dinner. She handed me some photos and a frame. Some of the photos were from her son’s recent Bar Mitzvah celebration. She explained to me that I should read the message on the back of the one photo as her daughter had specifically sent this for me, with a frame like the one I had admired along with the pic of her friend.

I read the message on the back of the photo before actually looking at the shot.

“Hope you like this photo I took in NYC –

heard you’re a fan of peace as well. :) xoxo Lara B.”

I turned the pic over and when I realized what it was, I got cold shivers and tears in my eyes. Merle told me she had reacted in a similar way because she had not ever told her daughter about the pact I had with Lauren. I had shared this with Merle because I said to her that it had always been difficult for me to turn down many invitations and opportunities to go to Central Park for the nearly eight years we have been living here.

I have not ever been to Central Park because I knew that if I did go, I would not be able to restrain myself from going to Strawberry Fields. The most difficult time was when the Gates exhibition was in the park as I had really wanted to see it.

Getting the photo from Lara B. without her knowledge of this story in my life, so soon after learning that Lauren was coming to visit was remarkable. It was a prelude to what I expect is going to be a wonderful reunion that is scheduled to stat in about four hours from now.

On August 31st, our family celebrates its 8th year of living in the USA. I expect we might crack a bottle of Champagne and eat some strawberries in Central Park a few days ahead of the 31st as Lauren leaves before that.

There is something very rewarding about giving someone your word and then keeping it. It takes a moment and turns it into something you will remember for ever. I can’t think of a better way of honoring my friend than of having kept our pact.

Thanks, Lara B!

MEMORIAL ...

2009-05-25T16:58:00.000-07:00

Today is Memorial Day in the U.S.A.

As I watch my mother weave her way through the days that pass bringing her closer to her transition from this world, I often fear what it will be like to weave my way through the world once that all empowering silver cord, my connection to the universe, has been cut.

When my grandmother passed away, my mom observed some Jewish mourning observances. One was to not go to movies for a year. She did however continue to listen to the radio. I know that she would not want anyone to stop the music as an observance of her passing.

After having spent the day with my mom today, I was sent this video clip in an email and it made me think that as scary as things get at times, it’s all cool. Life is colorful, and bright and to be celebrated, and somehow I know it is all going to be ok.

visit www.playingforchange.com

Those viewing from South Africa, be sure to watch through to the very end.

FIXED ...

2009-03-08T18:10:00.001-07:00

One of the hardest roles in my life has been that of step mother. My relationship with my step son, David tried and tested every single layer of who I am and the things I believe in. It is no secret to those who know us personally, and those who have come to have an awareness of our family through my blog, that there were many very unhappy years that at times had me in a very dark place.

As my 49th birthday approaches later this month, I decided to share this story now as I have wanted to since my last birthday on March 28th, 2008.

David had moved out of the house about a year prior. DDTF, Ross and I were going away on our vacation in May and I was relieved that when we returned, I would have a shot at enjoying a more peaceful situation within the confines of my home.

Within a few months of David moving out, there was a noticeable shift in our relationship. When he visited the house, which he did frequently, he would actually greet me and spend substantial time talking with me. We would engage in meaningful conversations and I realized I often felt uplifted after he had stopped by.

As much as things were looking good, I still felt the need to proceed with caution. My thoughts and feelings as time went on and the relationship grew bordered on feeling like it was too good to be true. I had to consciously prevent myself from putting out those kinds of thoughts because I wanted this to be good. I needed to support the change, and be the change as we moved in the direction of everything I had always wished for.

On my birthday last year, David stopped by and handed me an envelope. He was rushing out but explained he had wanted to come by to wish me happy birthday so it wasn’t inappropriate for me to have set the envelope aside because he was soon out the door. Much later that evening I went to get the envelope. I was surprised by this gesture before even reading the card. There had been many birthdays of mine that he had totally ignored. This had never offended me because I respected him for his honesty. Based on the quality of our relationship over those years, what was he to do? Go out and get a card that would say how much he disliked me and how unpleasant it was to be growing up with me and that either way he really didn’t give a shit that it was my birthday. As young as he was, he stood his ground and I never held that against him. I felt it showed strength of character to stand in his truth so boldly.

With a sense of nervous anticipation I opened the card. I read it very slowly to be sure I took in every word. The beautiful message in the card was one that any mother would have been thrilled to receive. It brought tears to my eyes and I felt deeply and intensely touched by this display of emotion from David.

Knowing that he was out I sent him a text message thanking him and telling him how long I had waited for something like this, and that it had been well worth the wait. Two days later he came over for dinner.

While at the table I opened up to him and told him about a conversation that had taken place between me and his sister Alexandra, during a family therapy session a few months earlier. In that session I told her that I had reached a point where I no longer needed her or her brother’s agreement to validate my feelings about the kind of step parent I had been. I told her that while there are probably many things I could have done differently, I know that I had always done my best by them. I had always done the best I knew how to do.

I explained that my wishes for Ross were exactly the same as my wishes for her and for David. I had never and would never want more out of life for Ross than for them. I told Alex that I hoped that one day she and David would reach a point where they would feel in their hearts that they could have done a lot worse in the step mother they got. I made it very clear that this wish of mine was not for my own satisfaction, because I do know they could have done a lot worse. I felt that if they reached a point where they could acknowledge this – I would be happy for THEM because this would reflect a shift in their lives. It would reflect that they had worked through stuff that would allow them to discard the baggage they carry about me – and that would make me very happy for them. I wanted them to get to that place in their lives for their own peace and contentment and not as an ego stroke for me.

By the time I got to this point in the conversation with David, I was crying because it was such a relief to be able to speak openly and show my vulnerabilities to him. For many years it felt like I had to have strength to protect myself and to stay committed in a relationship that I had so often just wanted to walk away from.

I went on to ask him if he had personally chosen that card or if his girlfriend had perhaps picked it up for him. My only reason for asking this was because if I knew he had chosen it, I would have been totally assured that he had reached that place within himself that I had wished for him to find.

He was not offended by the question and said that he had chosen the card and when he saw it he felt it was a very accurate expression of how he felt.

I thanked him again and told him how much I appreciated it and how much it meant to me.
An interesting thought comes to mind as I write this. There were many times when I would vent to my own mother on the phone about how I was struggling. I also used to vent by means of chat to my cousin on line in South Africa. They were always great listeners because they never offered advice, they just listened. The only thing my Mom would always say was, “Be patient. I promise you, one day you and Daniel will have a lot of pleasure from this boy.” My cousin simply said, “One day, one day he will hear your voice.”

I feel heard. I feel a sense of pride for what he has achieved.

It feels good. I feel like David and I are the poster people for step parent/child relationships.

They can be healed.

more pics here

BRITS ...

2009-02-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

There’s just something about them that I find irresistible. I clearly have a passion for English boys.

Both these clips lift my spirit and make me feel H-A-P-P-Y!

VIVA LA MICK!

click here

VIVA LA COLDPLAY!

click here

VIVA LA BOTH BORN IN LONDON!

DDTF ...

2009-01-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

On Saturday DDTF will celebrate his 47th birthday. As we do every year, we will celebrate with friends and family at our Super Bowl party.

Last year DDTF and I agreed that we would exchange low-key birthday gifts and save the big one for each of our 50th birthdays. Mine comes up next year. I can’t imagine what DDTF will come up with because at Chanukah he set the bar so high, he really outdid himself. I wasn’t expecting a gift as we usually only give our children gifts at this time of the year. Needless to say, when I walked into my office and found this beauty perched on my chair, I was speechless.

When I could finally articulate, I have to admit it was less than ladylike, but that’s just how it happened. “_ _ _ K ME!” is what I exclaimed and then I burst into tears. I was so deeply touched that he had gone to the trouble of finding this. There was so much kindness in the way he told me how much I deserved it based on the difficult months I had come through at that time. The fact that he had wanted to do something extra special for me and carried it through made me feel extremely special.

Although the lyrics speak of not being able to get any satisfaction, the irony is that every time I look up at this picture, I experience the exact opposite. I am reminded of just how satisfaction I get from being in this relationship and what a great time I have being married to DDTF.

Click here to see what was at our back door during the course of today - the prettier side of a snow storm.

reminder: to silence the celine soundtrack, scroll down to the slide show and click on the sound icon in the top, left corner to mute it.

ENJOY ...

2008-12-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

THANKS ...

2008-12-11T07:12:00.001-08:00

In the somewhat belated spirit of Thanksgiving – a brief update.

On August 22nd, we set off for Toronto. My father in law’s unveiling took place on the 24th. In his last days, he expressed how much he would have loved his entire family to be together in one place. Although charged with a lot of emotion, we were all happy that we were in fact all getting together to honor his memory. All DDTF’s siblings, their spouses and the grandchildren were gathering for the first time in close to ten years.

Later that evening, it became necessary for me to be rushed into the ER. Without any warning or any previous problems of this nature I found myself dealing with three nasty kidney stones. I had no clue what a challenging ordeal was about to unfold for me and now, almost four months later I am starting to regain some semblance of my life back pre-the-stone-age. This has been one of the most awful experiences I have ever had to endure.

There are no words to adequately express my thanks to DDTF … my amazing husband, Ross … my amazing son. They got me through this as they do everything else. I thank you both and I love you both.

(When you have had enough of the music, look to the top left of the slide show, and click on the sound icon – that will mute the music.)

Thank you to my sister in law, Vicki for the great pics! To see more awesome pics of the family, click here.

NEW ...

2008-11-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

DDTF, Ross and I sat and watched the election results on TV last night. It was an evening filled with mixed emotions for me. I haven’t been able to vote for the last fifteen years and the reminder of my immigrant status somehow made me feel sad. It also made me realize the enormity of the decisions we have made over the last fifteen years and the consequences of the choices to support those decisions.

I felt really fortunate to be able to say that in my lifetime I have seen Nelson Mandela become the president of South Africa and now, Barack Obama the president elect of the United States of America. I sent my sister a text message saying, “Aren’t we lucky to see Madiba and Obama in our lifetime. Daddy and Willie must be loving this!”

(Both my father and brother are deceased.)

In the seven years that we have been living here the last year has been intense. Things have felt so out of control that it has totally scared me at times. Clearly things need to change enormously.

By the time the next elections come around, I will be able to vote. I hope that the choices will be as obvious then as they were yesterday and that the difference will be that it will be based on a track record.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more,

learn more, do more and become more,

you are a leader.”
John Quincy Adams

This is my Great Nephew, Noah. He was born on 09/22/2008.

If you look closely, you will see his 'I Voted' sticker.

15 ...

2008-09-04T22:21:00.001-07:00

Fifteen years ago when DDTF and I took our vows he was not a fire fighter. But he was hot!

Fifteen years later, he is a fire fighter - and even hotter. Same tune - different words:

"Baby, you still light my fire!"

We are one flame he will never put out.

DDTF knows exactly how much I love, respect and admire him.

There are no words to adequately describe what a joy it is to be married to this man.

I thank G-d every day for him.

LIGHT ...

2008-08-31T16:23:00.000-07:00

While the last two months have gone by in what feels like an instant, I also can’t believe just how much has happened in this short space of time. Life continues to come at me at nothing short of a full-throttle pace. At the moment I am struggling to find clarity on how/where/what to post to breathe life back into my blog. This indecision has kept me silent but I feel I must acknowledge that today is our 7th year anniversary in the U.S. of A. We have now lived in America for as long as we lived in the U.K. and it is the longest time we have been at one address in 15 years.

There’s much to write about that has taken place this summer, and in some respects, I feel like I am a year behind in keeping up to date with sharing my life on this page. For now, given the somber nature of recent events – if not the last two years – I am going to make my “comeback” all about “light” things. Simple things that have given me pleasure and that have felt like a treat. In spite of my lack of blogging recently, it is still one of my favorite things to do. I did recently breathe some life in here.

I never read movie reviews but I do like it when people recommend movies to me. My brother in law told me that I should make a point of seeing DAN IN REAL LIFE. For those people who loved LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE, you will know what I mean when I say this is a huge, little movie. I love movies that you cry from because they make you feel your own sadness and then they slowly shift you into crying because you realize you are feeling happy. That’s what this movie did for me, and more.

While on the subject of Dan, my DDTF made this delicious tuna starter. If anyone wants the recipe, just let me know. When DDTF puts one of these creations down in front of me, it reminds me of one of the many things that make my love for this man grow more each day. I love how he loves everything he does and when he has to do things he doesn’t want to, he puts love behind that as well believing it just makes it easier to get through. This meal had a whole lot of love in it.

For a light, fun and amusing read, CAN’T WAIT TO GET TO HEAVEN is a treat. I listened to the audio CD. Ross used to ask me to wait until he was in the car before I carried on with it. It’s one of those sweet stories that remind you about how things are never what they appear to be on the surface and that ultimately we all respond favorably to kindness and consideration. The characters are cute and each visit with the book was uplifting.

Although there is usually not much on the box during the summer, there have been some great shows that have captured my attention. SORDID LIVES is off the charts insane. I love it. I laugh from beginning to end of each episode but also see the stark reality that lies beneath the surface of each of these colorful characters. I come to the end of each episode. Check it out if you enjoy something a little bit different.

My most favorite thing is when I get a response from the universe that I can immediately recognize and understand. I am a seeker. I question, I want to learn. I need to know why I am here, what I am meant to be doing. In everything I do, I look for the lesson. I know how to find the blessings in everything, I have mastered that. But I need to know the lesson. At times I wish I didn’t. At times I feel like this way is more a burden than a blessing. When I am in that kind of place, the universe invariably presents me with something that makes me feel reassured about my choice to live as an accountable being. It is usually a simple answer which I complicate with doubt, insecurities and perhaps even a lack of faith and trust in myself. Having come through a very difficult and challenging experience this past week (more on this in the next post) I lapsed into a bit of a pity party last night. It was a very private party. Just before going to bed I heard a song. When you listen to it you might think it is indulgent of me because it smacks of singing my own praises. It is not in this context that I share it. I have had thoughts in my head this week along the lines of wishing for something to remind me that everything is really ok, that I am going to be ok and that sometimes things just happen. I have been questioning myself for a while now about what might be causing the reality of my life to be so different to what is in my head and heart in terms of the life I create. I have been trying to see where I might perhaps be lacking authenticity because I have such a lack of understanding at the moment about why things just don’t seem to be going right for me. When I heard this song, I felt peaceful and got conscious of the thoughts and emotions it evoked in me. It ended and I felt ok. I felt that it is my expectations that are making things feel wrong. I felt as much as my reality feels so far removed from how I want things to be, there is still balance in my life. I remembered that while I might not get the understanding of it all right now, in time I will gain a deeper insight into what has been going on. I allowed myself to be with the thought that things happen, and I was comfortable to leave it at that. I remembered that through difficult times, I need to turn to my faith and not question it. It’s a beautiful song; you can listen to it here.

Thank you for being back here to continue reading my blog. My internet community means the world to me and I am for ever grateful that you never give up on coming back to see what I have to share with you. To my American bloggers, I hope you have had a great summer – good luck for school and college and have a happy Labor Day.

Always the person who saves the best for last, check out some photo’s of the two greatest sources of everything I could ever wish for ... here.

SMOOTH ...

2008-06-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the Dunkin Donuts drive-through. I ordered a large latte and a blueberry muffin. When I got home, I sat down at my kitchen table, sipped my latte, took a piece of my muffin and said, “Dee, this one’s for you, my friend!”

(A)Denise passed away

in the early hours of June 29th, 2008.

I will miss getting a text message reading, ”Got time for a DD visit?” Such messages used to come to me on days when (A)Denise wasn’t working. It was a play on words. We both called each other, Dee. So it was asking if I had time for a Denise/Dawn visit, but it was also code for DUNKIN DONUTS. I would always reply, “Yes!” and within 30 minutes, (A)Denise and I would be sitting at my kitchen table enjoying each others’ company a latte, and a blueberry muffin.

I will miss those songs she made up as her answering message on her voice mail. I would get other friends to call, listen to them and we would all laugh at the absurdity of it all.

As I said in my previous post, the sadness will lift but even now, the memories of the friendship are joyous and I am so grateful for having had the opportunity to have shared the time and space that we did.

In an email from (A)Denise to me at 9.47pm on May 1st, 2008:
Well guess I'm not going off to sleep as early as I'd hoped, but in the meantime, I forgot to mention in my previous e-mail to you that my skin is looking smooooooooooooth and radiant as a result of consistently using our wonderful Dead Sea beauty products. Thank you so much again for buying them. Maybe we should call ourselves the Smoothy Sisters now that we have smoooooooother looking skin.
Love and good nite kisses
Dee

In much the same way as we always said goodbye when the lattes and muffins were finished,

“Cheers, Dee – see you later!”

pic: andrea scher

FRIENDSHIP ...

2008-06-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

Four weeks ago, a very dear friend of mine who lives around the corner from me was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My friend's name is (American) Denise. I make the distinction because of my lifelong friend Denise in South Africa.

(A)D is in her early 50's. She and husband, Bob have a son, Brian of 20 years old and a daughter, Jessica who very recently turned 13. About a year ago Denise was retrenched. She went on to do short and long term temp jobs and her husband continued working at his two jobs. Despite their best efforts, they fell victim to the sub-prime mortgage crisis and lost their home to foreclosure. Sometimes life has a way of coming at you from all sides and the process of having to leave their house and (A)D taking this ill have now coincided.

This weekend (A)D was taken into the hospital and the situation is such that it is not clear if she has hours or days remaining.

For the last few weeks I have been driving Ross to school and then coming back to our neighborhood to drive Jess to her school. While waiting for her to come out of the house one morning, I noticed how the sun was reflecting in the water drops as they tricked down the house as it had just rained. It created the impression of fairy lights. With everything in full bloom in the gardens and the lush green trees, this whole image created for a picture-perfect setting. I couldn’t help but burst into tears as I thought how harshly different the reality of this household actually is. It all looked so perfect on the surface yet what is going on underneath it is nothing short of horrible.

This morning as I drove back toward the house I was overwhelmed by the sadness of this impending loss in my life. I am going to miss (A)D so much. I am heartbroken that her kids will not have their Mom in their life and right now, knowing she will be with them in spirit just doesn’t provide me with much comfort. I know well enough that time will pass and the sadness subsides and then I will shift into the place of memories that will bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face.

In an email I was writing to my friend, Natacha after getting home from the school run I told her how I was distracted with thoughts of (A)D all the time. I went on to say how thinking about this has put me in touch with how much I value, love, appreciate and cherish all my friends. I told her I was in a real tree hugging mood and that I wanted to hug all my friends and tell them how much I love them.

Although I had planned on returning to my blog after this three month absence with a lighter subject, I decided that I wanted to reach out to all my friends and doing so here in honor of (A)D was a perfect way.

We throw these concepts around in our conversations every day, but today I say this with a heightened sensitivity and a deep feeling of connectedness to it – thank you for your friendship. Thank you for the emails and the messages on my blog extending good wishes and thoughts to me. I so appreciate the emails of a more intimate nature that have expressed deep concern for my health and wellbeing while I haven’t been blogging recently.

In honor of my friend (American)Denise I make this request –
At some time today,

down tools – take a deep breath – count your blessings and exhale.

Acknowledge yourself for being a vibrant, loving and much valued being

that makes a significant difference in the world every moment, of every day.

Erase every negative thought you might have had about yourself today

and connect with your magnificence and total perfection.

Take another moment to contemplate your wellness and good health.

Let that bring a smile to your face.

More from me soon.

~ ROSS & JESS - APPROX. THREE YEARS AGO ~

~ ME AND DENISE ALSO TAKEN APPROX. THREE YEARS AGO ~

SANDWICHED ...

2008-03-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

In September last year, my mother underwent major surgery to have a malignant tumor removed from her stomach. The surgeon also saw fit to remove her Gall Bladder. My sister and brother in law took my Mom into the hospital the day of her surgery. I went by her apartment building to give her a kiss and hug and wish her good luck before she got into my sister’s car.

My mom will be 85 in July. The person I saw get into my sister’s car was an amazing old lady. She lives alone and as she did in her younger years, still keeps an impeccable home. The vision I had for this stage of my Mom’s life was that she would be one of those amazing women who lived to a ripe old age, self sufficient, self reliant and totally independent.

Just a few months before her surgery, I was driving to her place to go and get her to come spend the afternoon at my house. On the way there I thought to myself that we are so lucky to have a mom who at this age we can still pick up the phone to, tell her we are on the way, and pull up at her building to find her waiting downstairs for us. She lives in a seniors building so there are a considerable number of people with walkers, canes, wheel chairs, etc. I recall so clearly pulling up and seeing my tiny – she is really short – little Mommy, always perfectly turned out, and always greeting me with the joy of seeing me reflected in her smile.

Five days after her surgery, we brought her home to recuperate at my house. To make a long story shorter, I had not anticipated the change this experience was going to create in my Mom’s life. The person that I hugged and kissed goodbye at the car is no longer here. In the space of seven months, my mother has become an old lady. She spends all her time in bed and we have just recently placed a full time care giver to live with her. While she did well in not having to undergo any chemo or radiation therapy, this whole experience, and perhaps the effects of the anesthetic and morphine she was on for five days, basically knocked the life out of her.

Needless to say, all our lives changed drastically without any warning or time to prepare for it. My mom went from being totally independent to totally needy, in a time frame that felt like overnight. She herself is struggling with the harsh reality of her life now because she is an extremely proud woman. She is feeling disgusted in herself, hates the fact that she needs the help we are trying to give her, and her resistance of the whole situation makes it so much harder to deal with than it needs to be.

There have been days where I have just sat and cried. I feel bad and sad for her, I feel sad for myself. My mom has always been my rock. She is the kind of person for whom giving up was never an option. She has always dealt with whatever life has thrown at her and come out on top of every situation. There are some mornings when I can hear in her voice that she is actually quite pissed off that she woke up. Today she is again going for a scan as a new situation has arisen and there is now cause for concern with regard to her liver. I don’t know what these tests will reveal and I refuse to dwell in the possibility of the worst case scenario. Until we know, we don’t know.

I have found myself dwelling on topics that I don’t have answers to. I have found myself angry on some days because her exhaustion with it all has made it look like she is giving up. Selfishly, it feels like she is giving up on me and I don’t know how to deal with it. While I am indeed loved by many, there is no greater love for me than that of my mother’s and it is because of this fact that I find it so hard to think of her giving up on any level. I went through a few weeks of being really angry at her. I hated myself for it. I took out one of my favorite photos of her from when she was in second grade and I placed it on my desk.

I did this to remind myself that although she is my mother, she’d had a mother too. My mother at one time had received a mother’s love the same way that she loves me as her child. It was a reminder to me that my grandmother is looking down on this and I have a responsibility to her, to take care of my mother, her child, the way she would have done. This had a very grounding effect on me and it got me through that anger.

This experience has shown me how absolutely essential it is to make preparations for these years of our lives. When we are old, when we might be sick and when we will need complete and total unconditional love and support from our children. It has shown me how we have a responsibility to our children to make financial arrangements for when we are old. We need to make sure there are plans in place that will see us through the years in our lives when we can no longer take care of ourselves the way we used to. I have also seen that these years come way quicker than we ever might have imagined.

I visited my mom yesterday and when I left, I realized that I was feeling so much better than I have in the last seven months. The lady taking care of her is a gem. People who do this kind of work are angels among us. I asked my mom if she was perhaps feeling better for having the help. I know what a struggle it is for her to admit to this, in spite of how much better things might be for her. Her nature dictates that needing help is a sign of weakness. To my relief and joy, she said to me that now she had tried it, she does see it is better for her. I felt a load lift off my shoulders and a weight off my heart.

My sister sent me this video clip and my niece then sourced this second clip which is a follow up to the first. I strongly urge you to watch these. There are so many people who find themselves in similar situations to that which I have just shared with you about my own family, and what you will see in these clips. I know I found comfort in them, and I expect you will too.

I always look for the blessings in all difficult situations in my life. I really do believe they are there to be had if you are willing to look for them. In this instance, I hope that my mother realizes that the sense of responsibility my sister and I feel towards her is a manifestation of the amazing values she taught us and that it is part of her legacy to enjoy while she is still here. Furthermore, if we best teach our children by example, I know what we are doing is the right thing.

JULY 2007 ~ Celebrating Mom's 84th and Ross' 11th birthday.

PAULINE ~ Circa 1929 ~ Jewish Government School ~ Johannesburg, South Africa

WEEKEND ...

2008-02-01T09:30:00.001-08:00

It was DDTF's birthday yesterday. That means, SUPER BOWL party on Sunday.

We are heading off for a little adventure today which I will share with you next week.

I just had to stop and honor my husband, our favorite DDTF and remind him how much he is loved, adored and appreciated.

No mistaking who this household supports - be they in the game or not.

UPSET ...

2008-01-23T06:51:00.000-08:00

While driving home from taking Ross to school this morning, hearing the news about the unfortunate passing of Heath Ledger and trying not to listen to the bullshit being assumed about the cause of his death ...

... I realized how my feelings were so similar to those on a day back in London in 1997.

Michael Hutchence

January 22, 1960 - November 22, 1997

'Death ends a life, not a relationship.'

~ Robert Benchley

MIXED BAG ...

2008-01-09T17:36:00.000-08:00

One of the emails I received today was from SIMPLY AUDIO BOOKS. I rent audio CDs through this site which operates much the same way as Netflix does. They were requesting their users to participate in a short survey. The entry in my email In Box therefore read as:

Simply Audiobooks How happy are you, Dawn?

For some reason I found it amusing and it triggered my idea for this post. So, in no particular order, here is a list of some things that are making me happy at the moment.

From Simply Audio Books, I just finished listening to THE MEASURE OF A MAN: A Spiritual Autobiography by Sidney Poitier. I enjoyed it immensely. The real treat is that Mr. Poitier narrates. It gives a great sense of having a private audience with this very interesting man. I've linked it through Amazon as it gives you a chance to look into the book.

Of course, no such list of mine would be complete without my all time favorite of favorites! I love every minute of this CD which I recently treated myself to. I must confess that it was my absolute teenage-esque adoration of the cover that made me buy it. I knew I would like the song list so I didn’t even bother checking it. I wanted that pic.

This joke also came to me by email. One of those rare ones that you burst out laughing at:

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, clearly knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir." says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "Hello." and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They are called tees." replies Tiger.

"Well, what on God's earth are they for?" enquiries the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving." says Tiger.

"Fook me!" says the Irishman, "BMW t'inks of everything!"

I am a complete and total FOOD NETWORK addict. I TiVo as much as I can and I watch even more. A lot of people find Sandra Lee a bit weird. I do agree that her over-the-top changing of the kitchen to match her outfit for every show is a little funky, but having watched her life story, I felt inspired by her success. She comes up with some really quick and easy recipes that are very yummy. I don’t have a sweet tooth, but the ease of this dessert got my attention. I went out and got the ingredients the same day that I saw the show, and it was really nice. Everyone enjoyed it. You can check it out here.

My sister recommended this movie and it was great! If you haven’t seen SPITFIRE GRILL yet, it is worth a look-see. It’s not earth moving, but the characters and the story line are interesting, and although the twist became predictable as the movie progressed, I enjoyed it. Having said all this, I never read reviews and always say that movies are a matter of personal taste and everyone has their own likes and dislikes.

The book I am currently listening to is THE MEMORY KEEPER’S DAUGHTER. The story involves the birth of a Down’s syndrome baby. I listen to these books only in my car. (Between TV and radio, it’s commercial overload). At one point in the story today, I turned the CD off as my thoughts were distracting me from listening to the story. I was thinking about how we take our well and healthy children for granted. The birth of a perfectly healthy child is such a gift, and sometimes we kind of take it in our stride and don’t stop often enough to acknowledge the magnitude of the miracle and blessing. I remembered a time when good friends of mine were struggling to get pregnant. The husband commented on how people have sex, get pregnant and sail through bringing their child into the world. He expressed his feelings of frustration and at times anger over the struggle they were enduring.

Later in the day I was chatting on line to a friend who lives in New Zealand. He told me that there is a video clip he wanted to share with me that he had found to be inspiring. It was as if the Universe had heard my thoughts. It was as if the thanks I gave out and the gratitude I felt while driving earlier in the day had been received and heard and the Universe responded almost immediately. I thought about how lucky I am, especially in view of the fact that I got pregnant pre-diagnosis of Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy; to have brought our wonderful Ross into the world. I thanked my body, with all its weaknesses and less than perfect aspects, for all that it has done and all that I hope it will still do for me.

In Hebrew there is a phrase KOL HAKAVOD. The literal translation means 'all honor'. It is used idiomatically to express the praise or congratulations for an achievement. As humbly as is possible, I say KOL HAKAVOD to these people. You can watch the video clip here.

LOOKIN' MIGHTY HAPPY - RIGHT?

IF ...

2008-01-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

… I could send an email to my brother in heaven, this is what it will say:

I have never missed you more than last week when I had the pleasure of meeting your daughter’s husband for the first time.

No-one deserves the chance at happiness, security and a good life more than either of your two children. Our family grew by the addition of three new members last year, all within a few weeks of each other. Two of those marriages were your daughters. Unfortunately I couldn’t be at either of the two weddings in Amsterdam.

From the moment you left us to go be elsewhere, I have hoped that you are happily dancing with the angels. I also hope that you are smiling down on all of us while you dance and that you are seeing the joy your children are living.

Your daughter did you proud. Your daughter has found the place she deserves. Your daughter is radiant in her bliss and her husband is just what you would have hoped for, for her.

I miss you always, but I missed you more this past Shabbas. I would give just about anything to see you with your children again, and with my child … just about anything.

Sweetly, my darling brother!

SHALOM 2007 ...

2007-12-31T15:41:00.001-08:00

COOL ...

2007-12-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

I had a business meeting scheduled at my home on Wednesday morning with someone I have not met in person before. When he called to confirm a few days earlier, I made a point of mentioning that he should please be careful on the walkway as it was very icy. The weather has been really bad these last few weeks and with DDTF being away the whole week in Hong Kong, no-one was available to shovel and salt the area. Selfishly I didn’t pay too much attention to it as Ross and I exit and enter the house through the garage. If I drove slowly and carefully enough down the driveway, I would manage not to get the car into trouble in spite of the layer of ice that was now my driveway. My lovely neighbor, Stan ploughed the driveway for me on the Sunday, but under the snow was a layer of ice from the rain and freezing temperatures from the week before. It was a real mess.

When Person A. called me to tell me he was on his way but running late, I once again cautioned him to negotiate his way very carefully up the walkway to the front door. He told me that I had mentioned this previously, that he had heard me and that he, “got it!”

My office window is directly above the walkway. I was working at my desk when suddenly I heard a loud and clear THUD outside on the walkway. I couldn’t move. I put my head in my hands and the first thought that went through my mind was, “Oh great – we are about to be sued by Person A.” I remained glued to my chair as I heard yet another THUD … and another … and another. By this time, still glued to my chair, I had visions of the ambulance arriving with DDTF’s colleagues coming to rescue the THUDDER off my walkway. I was thinking to myself that although there was really no point in my going to his rescue because how would I be able to lift him off the ice, I had to go downstairs and see what was happening. The picture I had formed in my head while the THUDDING continued and seemed to get LOUDER with each THUD, was one of Person A. lying on the walkway THUDDING his fists on the ice to get someone’s attention from inside the house.

I managed to dislodge my terrified ass off my chair and mustered up the courage to look out of my office window. To my shock and relief, I see Person A. on his feet … and the explanation to the THUDDING took me by complete surprise.

I got on my stair chair, made my way down to the front door, opened it, and all I could think to say was, “WHAT are you doing?” Important to note at this point that I had not met Person A. before, I had only ever spoken with him on the phone.

“Person A. asked me to come by and do this before he got here.” he said.
“Yeah, right – I do recognize your voice. I can’t believe you are doing this* for me.” I replied.
“Well,” he said, “I study torah every week and I have learnt that one of the best ways to build bridges is to do something for someone when they least expect it. So, thank YOU, for giving me the opportunity to do this for you!” he explained.

To clarify, – this* amounted to close to 45 minutes of hard labor – breaking the ice and then shoveling it away – this was no small task.

I could not believe that this total stranger arrived here, having totally planned to shovel my walkway with no knowledge of how much work this would take. He came equipped with an ice breaker, snow shovel, the boots and gloves to do it in and the sole intention of extending this random act of kindness to me.

I don’t think I could have scripted a better story if I had tried that would so perfectly speak of what the season of goodwill is all about.

Needless to say, we went on to have a very successful meeting and what he did was totally super cool, don’t you think?

HAPPY, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!

CONNECTING ...

2007-12-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

Having a ten year old son, a husband in the IT industry, and a blog of my own, I am often amazed at the wonders of technology. However, I also often think about the frustrations of the technology. I feel frustrated when I feel that people are hiding behind their email faciities. I feel frustrated when I see people having text conversations as opposed to being old fashioned and picking up the phone and speaking to each other. I feel frustrated when I see people zoned out on their ipods depriving themselves of opportunities of chance meetings with a stranger at the bus stop, for example. I sometimes ask my son to take the headphones off, switch the dvd off while in the car, and to talk to me.

I guess it has become an aspect of our lives now that like most other things, one has to simply find the balance. There are often little miracles waiting to happen through the technology, and here is one that I just experienced.

My friend Sandra shared a letter she had received with me and some of her other friends via an email to all of us. Sandra is a South African living in Canada. She makes beautiful pottery. I thought the letter she shared told such a lovely story that I wrote to the sender and asked her if I could please use it on my blog. We then exchanged some emails by the end of which I had permission to share the letter. It reads as follows:

Hi,
I just washed and dried one of your small Vanilla dipping bowls and thought I'd check the internet to find you and tell you a little story about the bowl.

I bought it at the shop in the Gardiner Museum, in May this year. I was on my way to a memorial service at Victoria College for a dear friend who would have celebrated her 100th birthday next week.

Marguerite was her name and I met this generous, lovely woman ten years ago when I was doing research for a children's book about the teen poet of "High Flight" ("Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth..."). Marguerite had met young John Magee when she lived in Ottawa in 1941 and her husband was a minister there. John's dad was a minister in the U.S. and John took a message to Marguerite's home while he was stationed in Ottawa. Eight weeks later he left for England and was killed that December in a training accident. The poem lives on. And Marguerite had John's signature in the family guest book. And her story of him sleeping on her couch while waiting for her husband to finish writing a sermon....

Anyway...I was early for the memorial service and decided to spend some time in the Gardiner shop. I saw the little bowl and thought of Marguerite. That little bowl spoke to me. When I saw the "Dotti Potts" name on the bottom I knew that Marguerite would have 'got a kick' out of the name.

And so I bought the bowl, put it in my purse, and went over to the service in the beautiful Victoria College Chapel.

Since May, every time I take out the bowl to use, I smile. It's now the "Marguerite bowl" for the family. It's wonderful how something so physically small can be so huge. Marguerite is very much present and remembered.

Many thanks for 'listening' to this tale. I just thought you might like to know how I truly appreciate the human touch that went into this bowl and the utter wonderful humanity and friendship it now celebrates.

May you and yours have a wonderful holiday!

Linda Granfield, Toronto.

The internet certainly makes it possible for us to reach out to people whom without it, we might not have known even exist in the world. It opens doors that lead to wonderful connections – the likes of which I would find it very difficult to survive without.

CHAG CHANUKAH SAMEACH

TO ALL THOSE CELEBRATING THE LIGHT SINCE LAST TUESDAY.

pic by jen gray

LUCKY ...

2007-11-26T17:32:00.000-08:00

I received an email from my niece today -
In the subject matter it said ‘lucky you’ –
In the email there was nothing to read just a link to click on –
I clicked –
I watched –
My day was instantly brightened -
And then I sent her an email back telling her I was going to bed now and that she must be sure to call and wake me on the day it is released –
Starting tonight, it’s 130 sleeps until April 4 –
Anyone who knows me will confirm that 13 is my lucky number –
Getting an email like this makes me feel very lucky – that someone took a moment out of their busy day to brighten mine – that’s a special kind of lucky –
Click here with your volume up, to see why I am feeling so lucky!

YOU...

2007-11-20T11:06:00.000-08:00

I have been struggling with what to post. I have been struggling with how to shift from the previous post to a new post.

My father in law’s passing, combined with the whole process and experience of getting my mom through her post-surgery journey have been nothing less than daunting. In an on-liine conversation with Angel recently, she asked me how we were all doing. I told her that we were trying our best to make our way through and adjusting to what is now a new normal for all of us.

Change can be difficult, especially when you don’t see it coming and when the impact of it all takes you by surprise.

Today however, I came here with a greater sense of ease than on any other day since my last post.

I came here and it seems appropriate to be here to say THANK YOU.

This is a THANK YOU specifically for YOU … my friend in blog land – as YOU, yourself read this. If you have left me a comment, then it is YOU and your words that I thank for the comfort you provided.

If it is YOU who has been here and not left a comment, I hope you will feel motivated to let me know you were here so that I can know it is YOU I am thanking.

In today’s Notes from the Universe, I got this inspirational message:

~ Do you know how to give folks what they most, most, most want from you, Dawn, without even asking them what it is?
In all regards, just be yourself.
That's what they were after when they manifested you into their lives.

Whoa! The Universe ~

I give thanks to, and for - YOU.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

thanks, jen

REST ...

2007-10-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

My father in law passed away peacefully on Saturday night.

When I realized a few weeks back that I was not going to see him again in person before he passed, I emailed this letter to my in law siblings who were visiting at the time. I asked them to please either give it to Brian to read, or if necessary to ensure it was read to him.

Dear Brian,
I am sending this letter to you because it is very important to me that you are aware of the things I want to say in it.
It is important to me that you know how much of an honor and a blessing I consider it to have been a member of this family for the last fourteen years. You have raised an exemplary son and nothing makes me prouder than to call myself his wife.
It is important to me that you have given yourself credit for having raised such a special being.
It is important to me that you know that our son will continue to be raised in the tradition of where he comes from and that we know you hold so dear in your heart. Please G-d he will mature into a mench that you will always be able to be proud of.
It is important to me that you know I wish you love and peace.
G-d Bless you, Brian.
Dawn

Brian and Beryl were married on June 5th, 1960.

I was born on March 28th, 1960.

They were happily married for my entire life.

I think that is so amazing.

We shared very happy times when they visited us while we were living in Holland.

(We had just gotten Pingy whom you can see peering over the top of my coat!)

BERYL & BRIAN WITH DDTF

BERYL & BRIAN WITH DAWN & PINGY

REST IN PEACE, BRIAN.

FKCU ...

2007-10-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

This might seem like an unlikely piece to post after a long break and not the most cheerful of posts at the time of taking the break.

I feel so overwhelmed by the events of these last weeks since September 5th that I need to still process them just a little further before I can share what’s been going on, if at all.

September 2007 will rank as big lesson month for me. I now know this: - fear is both crippling and isolating. I have been through intense fear these last weeks. I don’t like feeling stuck and I don’t like feeling isolated. It has passed and I am again feeling able and re-connected.

One of my favorite new shows on TV this season is CALIFORNICATION. I am a big fan of David Duchovny and I am enjoying Madeleine Martin who plays his 14 year old daughter. The story line is not a new one - but the characters are very now. Madeleine plays the daughter of never married parents who have now split up and Mom is going to marry someone else. Dad and daughter love each other and circumstances in Dad’s life lead to him letting her down in spite of his deep wish to not ever do so.

Sitting on the edge of her bed one night after having to leave a social engagement where both parents were involved, she extended the following response to his apology for letting her down even though he hadn’t wanted to:

“You never mean to let me down, but you do. It’s all well and good to talk about happy endings but if a person can’t deliver, if he keeps screwing up, eventually I guess you just kind of have to say fuck you or words to that effect.”

I found this so profound and what struck me was her bravery to lay it on the line and tell him exactly how she felt. It took courage because she knew well enough that it would hurt him deeply.

So many things from my life flashed through my memory and I thought about how much hurt I could really have spared myself in the past had I been courageous enough to lay it on the line like that.

It is true - the truth, and only the truth will set you free.

Peace out!

TODAY ...

2007-09-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

… is our 14th wedding anniversary –

… my mother in law called me in tears to tell me my father in law had been asleep since 8pm last night and had only opened his eyes fleetingly when she arrived at the hospital around 10am –

… ross went back to school to start his 5th grade year. i remember that my 5th grade year, or standard three as we called it back then, was the first time i felt what is was like to have a crush … on my teacher, mr robertson –

… i pulled up behind a car in the parking lot at my mom’s apartment building thinking it was my sister’s car. i flashed my lights and blew my horn and then sheepishly apologized when I realized it was one of the residents in the building and not my sister. my sister arrived soon thereafter to get my mom -

… my mommy is undergoing surgery to remove a malignant tumor from her stomach –

… ddtf left for toronto to go see his dad ... today we think dad is closer than he has ever been to lapsing into a coma which will be his final stage of his journey through brain cancer –

… i try remind myself there is no place in my life for fear but i admit i am fearful that I might be the only family member who will not get the chance to say goodbye to my father in law –

… i remind myself more than ever that this is a day not to question anything but to rather choose to have complete and utter faith –

… i am not in the mood to punctuate -

… I feel very, very lonely –

... today I know tomorrow will be a better day -

... today i would rather be here ...

CRAP ...

2007-08-21T01:39:00.000-07:00

I had it all worked out. I have been working on it for some weeks now, and I was going to post it all on Monday. I was going to do a review of the summer which is passing all too quickly. I was going to write about completing 4th grade … turning ten … camp 2007 … even more health challenges in the family … teenagers moving out of the house … romantic weddings … ring bearers … first week away from home … cruising … stuff, stuff and more stuff. Stuff that makes me think global speeding is as much to be concerned about as warming … too much humans-doing rather than humans-being … and then, Monday happened.

DDTF is away until Thursday. With all the time he is spending in Buffalo, I am considering changing his name to Bill. By the time he returns he will have visited with the family in Toronto as well which gives meaning to his time away from home.

Ross and I had planned a number of possibilities for the day. As it was raining on and off all day, we decided to spend a chilled day together – summer reading for school 2007/8 needs attention, there’s a movie we wanted to watch and we had some cooking activity planned too. Once we had done all this, I was very much in the mood to sit down and bring this page back to life with the stories as listed above.

We enjoyed a yummy lunch and curled up together on my chair to watch that movie. It is quite interesting to see how we have mastered this. It is really a case of necessity being the mother of invention. When DDTF is away, my lift chair becomes my bed – so when Ross and I want to lie in bed and watch TV – it’s squeeze on to the chair or not at all. Pingy decided she didn’t want to be left out. There are special doggie stairs for her to get up on to the bed and then she jumps from the bed on to, as in this case, our laps. The three of us were shnoogled up on the chair. Could it be any cosier?

About ten minutes after Pingy settled in, she hopped back over on to the bed and promptly threw up all over it. Ross and I started unfolding ourselves off my chair. It is important to note that these situations are not done at the speed my brain knows they should be done at. In my brain, I am up and off my chair in seconds, dashing up the hall to the kitchen for kitchen towel, back in the room, lunging across the bed to the middle and furiously mopping up the dog’s insides before they seep through the duvet cover on to the duvet. If only! The reality is that while Ross charges up the hall to the kitchen, I am shouting instructions like, “Bring the whole roll of kitchen towel, not just some sheets, and bring the disinfectant wipes, and Ross, also bring an empty shopping bag and also bring my picking up thing.” 'Picking up thing' is one of those amazing pieces of equipment that allow me to pick something as small as a paper clip up off the floor as well as reaching for things off shelves that I can’t climb up to.

This is where Ross shines. “Ok Mom, got it, getting it, found it, where is it, oh I see it, I’m coming!” gets yelled back down the hall at me. However preceding that on his way up the hall to the kitchen were gasps of, “Mom, there’s poo everywhere, and lots of other throwing up. There’s some in the hall, oh and more in the living room. Mom, come see it is in the dining room and even in your office.” While I am picturing the scenes of the chain-vomit-demon-crapper-from-outer-space-dog activity that awaits me in the rest of the house, I am trying to calm Pingy down as she continues to produce more of the same in my bedroom.

So the big clean up, wipe up, wash up, fold up, roll up and pop into the empty shopping bag (were you trying to work out what that might be for?) began. This went on, without exaggeration for well over an hour. At one point though, Ross made a spontaneous decision to put two sheets of the kitchen towel into his bathroom loo. As I heard him flushing it, I cautioned him about the dangers of clogging the loo with kitchen towel. “Too late, Mom” he replied – the toilet is blocked.

I made my way into the bathroom and I will spare you the details other than to say Ross and I stood there screaming, “Oh no, it’s going to over flow.” As I stood in utter disbelief and overcome with fear, I started shouting, “Ross, there is no way that is dog poo. Oh my goodness move back this toilet looks like it is going to frigging explode!” Fortunately, the water stopped just at the rim of the bowl. Ross was insisting on finding the plunger and I have to admit that as amazing as he was being, I was shouting at him that he had no prior experience with plunging a blocked loo and making a mistake with this particular process would present a hazardous outcome. While Ross steps up to the plate for me with a maturity far beyond his years, he weighs somewhere close to 53 pounds. There are just some boy jobs I can’t picture him doing yet. Today however was clearly a day full of surprises.

I take no shame in admitting to being happy I was born a girl. I would hate to have to do those things that I emphatically categorize as ‘boy things’ and a blocked loo is one of those things. I also admit to knowing how ludicrous it is to reach for the phone and to call my husband when he is literally in another state, but I do when these things happen. I had DDTF on speaker phone so Ross could hear him tell me that we should go out of the bathroom and come back in about half an hour. By that time he predicted the water will have drained and we should be able to successfully flush the loo. I had told DDTF that I had already dragged the kitchen towel and what seemed liked various other reams of paper out of the clogged loo already and that there was no visible signs of any more paper. When Ross interjected that the kitchen towel in the loo was his mistake, I felt so bad for him as I could see he was feeling dreadful about having made this mistake. Noticing this sort of acted as a slap in the face to a hysterical person and it washed a sense of calm over me. I hung up the phone, ran the picking up thing under very hot water, set it aside and put my arm around my little warrior. I told him not to feel bad, that he had been doing a totally awesome job and flusing the paper in the loo was a logical spontaneous thing to do under these circumstances.

I forgot to mention that when we were still in the bedroom wiping and washing, etc. we had to remove the duvet cover. Again, this is a task that most Moms would complete in seconds. For me however, it is physically demanding and I don’t have the strength and agility to do it in the speedy, sweeping movement that it requires. Instead, Ross goes to one side of the bed, I am at the opposite side and as quickly as we can (which is really not that quick at all) we remove the cover. Ross then run off downstairs to the laundry to dump it in the washer.

As I was assuring Ross that he needn’t feel bad about the loo, I realized it we should go check on Pingy. I confess that I was thinking to myself that if I was going to find any more disgusting froth and/or poo that needs wiping, Pingy and I might find ourselves in our first real bad space in 14 years.

To our relief Pingy was lying in her basket and we agreed she must be feeling like shit. Ross stroked her and we assured her everything would be ok and that we do actually still love her. I said to Ross this would be a good time to go downstairs and get the washer going. Off we go and I discover that he has dumped the duvet cover into the washer on top of a wet load of laundry. I won’t extend the length of this story with a detailed outline of how Ross climbs up on to the dryer next to the washer to haul out the cover and then the wet items which are in the after effects of the spin cycle – i.e. way down deep in the bottom of the washer, half their size and a pain in the ass to get out. Again, with combined effort we haul the stuff out, dump it in the dryer and get the cycle going on the washer.

We proceed back upstairs, do a ‘there better not be more crap upstairs for us to clean up’ check, and everything seems ok. We decide between us that Pingy must have eaten something that upset her tummy and that now her body had rid itself of it, she would be ok. The required 30 minutes had passed so we ventured back to the bathroom. I decided that as a token of appreciation and acknowledgement I was going to let Ross have his attempt at plunging the loo. He really wanted to do this and had been successful in his adamant search for le plunger. If ever we needed the theme from Rocky or Chariots of Fire playing in the background, it was in that moment. My hero loosened his neck like any boxer would before entering the ring and shook his legs like all runners do before they assume the ‘on your mark’ position, and down he went on his haunches. He plunged that loo like it was a scene from The Lion King’s Loo and then flushed it. I think the first words out of my mouth were, “You are going straight into the shower!” and as I stood there looking down at this disgusting loo again filling up and stopping just before the top, I realized that I had reached my limit for the day. I cleaned the plunger under boiling hot water, put it away, put my arm around my plunging warrior, told him to close the lid on the loo and we walked out the bathroom closing the door behind us.

“Mom, what are we going to do?” he asked me.
“Ross, when Daddy is away, there are some things I am just not prepared to deal with. Fortunately we have another bathroom. We are closing the door, and tomorrow morning I will call the plumber. Sometimes it is really easier for me to fix things with my check book.” (To clarify that I did not lose my shit completely in the bathroom, that is how we spell cheque book in the USA).

Thereafter, everything and the dog calmed down and a sense of normalcy returned. Ross and I called DDTF and told him we felt we had earned the right to eat the last Flake in the drawer. (Flake being a delicious chocolate that DDTF’s cousin had recently sent him a supply of from the UK). We shared it and re-assumed the position on the chair. For the remainder of the night, the doggie steps were removed from next to the bed and Pingy would have to spend this night in her own bed … just incase.

I am writing this post at 4am on Tuesday morning so if my tenses are disjointed in relaying this story - forgive me. I slept a few hours but as often happens when DDTF is away, I don’t sleep very well. When I got up from my chair and stood over Ross and watched him sleeping, curled up in his duvet on my bed – I extended thanks and adoration over him.

As a person who firmly believes nothing happens for nothing – that there is a lesson in everything – a blessing in the worst of situations and that our thoughts become things, I urged myself to put this down to nothing more than a blue Monday. I assured myself that there really was no subliminal message here and that my life is not on a downward spiral to shitdom, that this was just a really bad day.

I reminded myself how much I really do love Pingy and Ross kept reminding her all evening how much he loves her. The pic below was taken on the first day of summer camp while waiting for the bus.

If you are wondering about the new look blog from thee most technically challenged blogger, I am almost reluctant to make mention of it in this post because it seems disrespectful to do so at the tail/tale end of this particular title (no pun intended) – but I had nothing to do with it. It is all thanks to my oh so clever and oh so kind budvolina down in South Africa – angel – you can make your way over to her place by clicking on her homepage link in the previous comments section – because yip – I still haven’t worked out how to get all those icons back on to my posting template that would allow me to link by saying, click here. She gets all the credit and thanks! (And with that in mind, I will click on PUBLISH POST soon and hope for the best as to how this will present itself on the page.)

I will continue to work toward getting that post up with all the wonderful and some not so wonderful things I mentioned earlier. I thought this would be a great way to sign off for tonight. This great pic that Ross took at my nephew’s wedding rehearsal dinner last weekend. Let Tuesday shine as a bright, fresh new day and more than anything, let it bring me a punctual plumber.

Thank you, Ross for delivering beyond the call of duty and for being the coolest ten-year-old photographer. DDTF – come home!

THANKS ...

2007-07-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I have hit a brick wall when it comes to sorting out the difficulties I am having with coming to terms with my new computer. I haven't had time to start my weekly lessons at the Apple store so I feel like I am stumbling around in the dark. I miss blogging, I miss the exchange of communications with all my blogging friends and the whole thing is really pissing me off. Every time I sign in to do a post and I come to the page where the post is created, I see a different picture. Right now, the only icons at the top of this box are the spell check and the one I click on to post a picture. I have no clue why all the other icons are no longer visible to me and I wouldn't know where or how to begin looking for them. Therefore, I have no clue how this post is going to look as there is no icon for me to select my usual font and the usual size.

I have been working on updates for KEEPING THE PEACE and THE ROSS EXPERIENCE, but right now as I can't even see the icon that would allow me to link you to them, I will stick with this post and hope for the best. If anyone can offer any feedback on the missing icons for me, I would really appreciate it and would welcome some pointers in the COMMENTS section.

Some time ago I sent out an email to everyone in my address book. I tried to be as diplomatic as I could in asking everyone to please refrain from sending me emails about the various wars going on around the world. I found I was opening emails and reading about absolute horror stories and looking at the graphic pics that went along with them. There were endless video links to news coverage that were equally horrific to me. Perhaps you might think I am like an ostrich and burying my head in the sand, but I just don't want to see that stuff. I have stated repeatedly on my blog that I am not a political thinker and I certainly don't hold any point of view other than that I support peace. It is also well known to regular readers of my blog and among those who know me that I believe very strongly in the concept that THOUGHTS BECOME THINGS - therefore, I choose to have peaceful thoughts. For the main part I was very grateful that no-one who received my email responded in any kind of negative way and in a very short space of time, those kind of emails stopped being sent to me.

The nature of some of the things going on in my life at the moment are making me focus a lot of time and attention to gratitude. I find myself really looking at my sincerity about the things I am grateful for. I think I throw this word around very lightly and I am trying to get myself more in touch with the heart and soul of it. When I lie in bed at night and hear Ross breathing in the next room while he sleeps soundly, I am thanking G-d on a much more conscious level then I have been doing for the fact that my healthy child is asleep in the room next to me and that I can safely assume he will be there in the morning. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but right now I feel like this is something I need to be looking at in my life and when I give thanks, I am trying to really be feeling it from deep inside my soul - rather than glibly throwing out a sentence like, "I am fine, thank you and thank G-d the family are all well." I am trying to spend a moment at the end of such conversations to really FEEL the gratitude and then give more conscious thanks for the many blessings in my life.

In the midst of all this contemplation, I received an email which caught my attention and made me dig even deeper in my quest to get in touch with the heart and soul of gratitude. I have not checked this out on SNOPES - it just had a sincere "feeling" about it. Perhaps you received it too - but if not, I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did. It read as follows:

The picture of this Army soldier in Iraq with his tiny "plot" of grass in front of his tent is heartwarming! Here is a soldier stationed in Iraq, stationed in a big sand box. He asked his wife to send him dirt (U.S. soil), fertilizer and some grass seed so that he can have the sweet aroma and feel the grass grow under his feet. When the men of the squadron have a mission that they are going on, they take turns walking through the grass and the American soil -- to bring them good luck. You will see he is even cutting the grass with a pair of scissors. Sometimes we are in such a hurry that we don't stop and think about the little things that we take for granted. Upon receiving this, say a little prayer for the soldiers that give and give (and give up) so unselfishly for us.

MEMORY ...

2007-07-02T20:04:00.001-07:00

Last week we experienced a very dramatic thunder storm. There were four short power outages during the storm. During one of them my computer died. This did force me to make the long overdue switch to the Apple Mini which Daniel bought me in November. How am I feeling about this? ... somewhat relieved that the Geek Squad at Best Buy have managed to retrieve all my data and I will get it back on disc. They did also manage to fix the computer and DDTF will just have to re-load windows. When we bought the Apple, the plan was to pass my PC on to Ross which we will now do. I am feeling frustrated and like a fish out of water and far too old for the challenge of learning a whole new technology.

I am attempting this post in the hope that something will actually appear after I press 'PUBLISH THIS POST'. Nothing looks familiar to me and I can't even see how to select my usual font style and size. I think I have been successful in posting a pic and a youtube video. YouTube is my best because they just make it so darn easy. It is the only technology that I have found to be simple and truly a case of, 1) read 2) select 3) click ... and there it is. I am sure things will improve once I start going for my weekly lessons at the Apple Store and I will do my best to keep you posted - no pun intended.

This weekend we hosted Ross' tenth birthday party and it was fantastic. I will elaborate on the story with pics on the ROSS EXPERIENCE blog once I have recovered from my technological breakdown.

I wanted to piece this post together because we are at a time in our lives where memories and the making of them seem to be in the forefront of our thinking. Unfortuately my father in law's now 15 month journey through dealing with cancer has reached a stage where every day and moment we are still blessed with having him here is being clung to by everyone in our family. For us it is about finding the balance between the reality of the inevitable outcome of this illness and life going on. It is hard to throw parties and celebrate when at the back of your mind one of life's harsherst realities is coming at you full throttle.

While sitting outside waiting for the bus on Ross' first day of camp last Monday, I was hoping that his life experience is making memories that he will look back on with fondness and joy. I was thinking just this when he and I made eye contact through the camera lense while I was taking this picture. When I look at the picture I can't believe that Ross will be ten on July 14th and I look at my little doggie who will be 13 years old in September. Pingy is as much a valued member of our family as any one individual. I am so grateful to them for the memories that they have made for me.

I am also totally loving this latest BON JOVI song and thought it was approprate to share in this post. I hope you enjoy it.

JUMP ...

2007-06-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Having recently been on vacation, I once again had to deal with one of my demons that I stopped trying to resolve years ago. This is one of those demons that I chose to rather embrace and simply acknowledge it for what it is than spend time trying to work through it and master it. I resolved rather to accept it as one of my hang-ups which is one of the strands of fiber in the weave that makes me who I am. Bottom line – I always have and still do feel at my least confident and comfortable in a swimsuit. The difference between then and now is that back then, which I knew at the time too, I had no reason for it – which is what defined it as a demon. Now – quite simply, who gives a shit?

While chatting on line to Angel earlier this week, I asked her to do me a huge favor, the result of which you will come to enjoy in the near future, so for now I will not elaborate. In the conversation I told her about an incident that had taken place in my life which I described as being a very similar feeling to what I was experiencing just prior to popping the favor question.

My cousin and I, along with some friends were heading out to a very basic camping location for the weekend. It was a very popular weekend destination a short distance outside of Johannesburg called Syringa Spa. I have not been able to find it on the www. Do not let the word 'spa' conjur up any images of a typically gorgeous African spa. This was a very basic camping venue which offered lots of other activities. The motor cross track was the main attraction and it had a great swimming pool. Reluctantly I had packed in my swimsuit but with no intention of using it. My cousin had as good a physique as me and I could never understand her reluctance to prance around in a bikini especially considering that she had the added advantage of a gorgeous tanned complexion whereas I am very fair skinned.

I still can’t recall what possessed us to embark on the whole swimming thing, but after a long debate and lots of laughter – mostly nervous energy – our plan was made. We would wrap ourselves in towels and head for the pool area which was packed with people. Most importantly, we would be discrete and not attract attention to ourselves. This was imperative. As soon as we would get to the top of the grassed rise where the ground leveled out, we would drop our towels and with drawing as little attention to ourselves as possible, we would jump into the pool. We would be fine once we were in the pool because we both enjoyed swimming and we were happy to stay in the water until the last sun worshiper left the area. It was important that we jumped rather than took a dive, as we thought our quiet little jump into the pool would be less attention intensive. We also agreed that we would hold hands throughout the process. This aspect might well have been enhanced by the indigenous African plant we had inhaled before heading off on our mission.

Everything worked like a charm. We made it up the embankment without tripping over our towels. We felt certain that we had not attracted any kind of attention to ourselves to make us feel uncomfortable and we were giggling all the way. As we got to the top of the rise, we dropped our towels and broke into a sort of run-walk action, tightened the hold on each other’s hand and we were now aiming for the pool. The automatic reflex of blocking our noses with our free hands completed the preparation for the jump.

We made our jump, and SPLASH – we were in … up to our ankles in water … still holding hands and blocking our noses … while we stood in water up to our ankles. It took a moment for the crowd to start, but once they did, there was a thunderous round of applause from every single one of the people around and in the pool – young and old.

We had jumped into the kids side of the pool!

pic: jengray

“Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do

until you can get silly again.”
~ Mike Myers

REFLECTING - PART I

2007-06-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

I have been through some huge changes in my life over the last few weeks. It has taken me a bit by surprise as to how much I have found myself reflecting on these changes and how much the whole “thing” has impacted on my life for the last nine or ten years. I am processing many thoughts and emotions which I am not totally ready to write about yet. I believe the changes are all good. I am confident that the outcome of the changes will all be positive. These events lead to Father’s Day 2007 being the first in almost ten years where I was not involved at all with how my family celebrated the day. This was a relief for me and it was good to see DDTF’s older children take a moment in time to acknowledge their Dad.

I thought about my late Dad and although I am very used to not having a father, when I watch Ross and DDTF, I very often wish I did have a Dad present in my life. I thought about my neighbor whom I have only known for just short of six years. My friendship with Stan is the closest thing I have had to a wonderful daughter/father relationship in my life. I say that with no disrespect to the memory of my father. It is unfortunate that my relationship with my Dad had to wait for many years after he passed on for me to be mature enough to work through it and reach a place of understanding about it all. I am therefore very grateful for the friendship of my friend next door and I don’t think he has even a vaguest idea of just how much I gain from it and how much I value it … perhaps next Father’s Day I’ll tell him.

The conversation outlined below took place on Yahoo Messenger between me and a friend of mine who lives in Chicago. JBL and I worked together about 22 years ago when we were both still living in South Africa. About a year ago I saw a pic of him in a weekly e-newsletter I get from South Africa and it was through that letter that I managed to re-connect with him after all these years. Although we never socialized outside of our brief contact during working hours, I remembered him because of his UNBELIEVABLE sense of humor. He is the kind of guy that cracks me up by just walking into the room and looking at me. In meetings I would have to sit looking away from him as I could not keep a straight face when I looked at him. He was for me a top bloke and I was thrilled to get the warm and equally pleased vibe in response when I first emailed him.

As this conversation unfolded, I decided to save it because I related to it so strongly. I am sure every South African now living in another country who reads it will relate as well. I think every parent who reads it will relate. It speaks of the dream that all parents have of seeing their children grow up into happy, confident, well rounded successful people enjoying the best life we all strive to give them. I asked JBL if I could use it and I knew the perfect time would come to share it.
(I have only edited out the user id’s at the start of each sentence. There are some South African slang words displayed in italics which are translated at the end of the post.)

jbl: today (15 years ago) we arrived at O'hare. Today 15 years ago
I stumbled off the plane, with my wife +2 kids, 8 suitcases, short pants
and a whole lot of butterflies in my stomach.
jbl: I had just said goodbye to my mother (avo sholom) who said goodbye to her two grandchildren that she lived for .... and visited our house in JHB 3 to 4 times a week to visit and baby-sit ......but she knew that we were doing the right thing.
jbl: and I will never forget that feeling of leaving South Africa on that flight. as the plane took off I remember looking through the window and thinking ...............
jbl: shit - I am on a one-way ticket ....(not like previous trips when you are moerse excited because you are on an overseas jol and then will be back home in about 2 weeks or so) this was a different feeling as the plane took off .... they were excited ......... I was kakking myself… sort of loose pooh stuff.

dawn: I also so clearly remember thinking, as we took off in pouring rain, what my mom on the ground must be feeling - I was the last of her three children to leave - she was going to be remaining in South Africa without any of her three kids around her - I remember feeling like I was abandoning ship.

jbl: sort of ....."what the fuck am I doing" - and is this the right thing to be doing? and all the mixed emotions as the plane takes off and you are g-forced back into the chair
and the lights of JHB sort of get smaller and smaller and you skeem ....... wow ........ when next will I see my chinas, my mom ......??
and so when the drinks cart came around I nearly kissed the hostie .....nearly gave her a fat smooch right on the lips - LOL
jbl: and two scotches later .... I sort of relaxed .....
I had a job to come to and knew that my missus would work (because she wanted to)
so that part of it was OK .... then fast forward to the picture of my daughter
because when you decide to emigrate, and you decide to leave , immediately we all refer to the famous … "well we did it for the children". Rabbi Yossi Goldman reminded me ..... 15 years ago when I told him we were leaving and he asked why and I told him ....for the children … his reply was, “good .... but remember you are leaving also for "you" and "your wife".
jbl: so 15 years later ..... at a graduation .... one does get the chance to reflect .... and put it all in perspective that ..... if we did it for the children - then fine .... here's a point in time to mark .... she graduates with her Master of Science in Developmental Education from one of the best Institutions in the US of A - a proud moment
so ..... happy events give us emigrants an opportunity to reflect . I am sure that sad events allow similar reflection but as a dual track one takes a moment in time -- sitting in the graduation ceremony (like sitting on the plane) and reflect - here is my little girl, now 28 - graduating ..... and I think back on when she went to the first USA school, then high school (and that graduation was a time of reflection too), then college and that graduation was a time of reflection too .... and then her masters - and so it goes - and as the kids grow up every moment in time of some significance allows us all to reflect.

dawn: and that is when, as a parent, you can really count your blessings when the moments of reflection are filled with pride, and achievement, growth and accomplishment - which essentially is, without taking anything away from the child's achievement, a manifestation of good parenting - and one can be proud and happy - what a pleasure! In an instant, so much become so worth it – right?

jbl: I love milestones ..... for instance I can now tell you what I have done and not done in the past 15 years .....!!! I can tell you for instance that in 15 years, I have bought Dominoes pizza about 5 times - walked into the Kentucky Fried chicken place near me twice - never ever eaten Pizza Hut in the USA in 15 years - don’t know why I remember this.

dawn: 'cos it's a darn hard trap to avoid - I can't take credit for that one - I must confess that in the beginning we most certainly fell victim to the convenience of fast food outlets!!
Thanks for sharing this china – very special! Talk to you soon. Love you lots!

South African slang translations:
Avo Sholom – Yiddish for respecting a departed one – wishing eternal rest and peace.
Moerse – big time!
Jorl – Party
Kakking myself – Crapping myself (as in being scared and nervous)
JHB – Johannesburg
Skeem – Think
Chinas – Friends
Hostie – Air Hostess/Flight Attendant
Missus – Mrs (wife)

JBL AND HIS DAUGHTER

RUSH ...

2007-06-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

When Daniel and I were dating, we would speak to each other way too many times a day for people holding down jobs. There would be moments in my day where in spite of the intensity of the nature of my work, my heart, soul, mind and emotions would drift to Daniel. (He wasn’t DDTF yet!)

I would reach for my phone, call him and tell him I was having a “Daniel Rush” and I would receive calls from him at different times of the day telling me the same.

With the demanding travel agenda his job puts on him, our ten day vacation gave me full access, 24/7 which is something I haven’t enjoyed for a long time. Having DDTF right there next to me without any distractions was indeed a treat of treats.

Four days after we got back he headed off to his annual conference. Although it was local, it was practical and necessary for him to stay over at the hotel where it was held.

I missed him. Ross missed him.

While working at my desk today, the DDTF RUSH that I experienced motivated me to look for this as a way of telling him how much I love him and love being with him. Nothing could be more appropriate than making a dedication to the man I love more than anyone else in the world, by the only other man who makes me weak at the knees.

(You may have to click twice on the arrow in the middle of the pic to get it going.)

2007-06-07T11:55:00.001-07:00

BACK ...

2007-06-05T16:40:00.000-07:00

DDTF, Ross and I had a most wonderful vacation. We got back and had no choice but to swing right into ‘busy’ mode immediately. Prior to our departure we had assisted Ross in preparing for the 4th Grade Colonial Fair which was scheduled for 9am the day after our return. We arrived back in Brooklyn, NY and went to pick Pingy up from the doggy hotel. As soon as we got back home, we all spent the afternoon finalizing the preparations for the Fair. Once I have updated the ROSS EXPERIENCE, you will be able to see pics and read more about it.

In the week leading up to our departure a friend of mine in Chicago contacted me to ask if I would be interested in assisting the organizers with promoting a wonderful musical concert that will be taking place in both New Jersey and New York on Sunday and Monday respectively. I was grateful for the opportunity to be involved with this event and it kept me extremely busy prior to our departure and has continued to do so since our return.

If anyone is in the area, you should really take advantage of this event. This will be the sixth North American tour for the famous South African Jewish Musical – CELEBRATION. 3,000 applauded at the Royal Festival Hall in London and 800 in Great Neck, New York. Internationally acclaimed Oshy Tugendhaft & the Sydenham Men’s Choir, together with live musicians will appear in Montclair, New Jersey on Sunday, June 10th at 7.30pm.

Their show, ‘CELEBRATION 3’ celebrates the diversity of Jewish life. They are accompanied by a lively, jazzy orchestra and bring a vibrancy and joy to traditional and contemporary pieces. You can view some of their performances by visiting www.youtube.com and doing a search for Sydenham Choir.

A lot of people have worked very hard to make this happen and I am really looking forward to it. It has truly been a treat to make a contribution to what will hopefully be a highly successful event.

DDTF is the chairman at his company’s annual conference taking place over three days this week. So between the Colonial Fair, Celebration 3 and the conference – this has been the first opportunity I have had to put fingers to key board. There has been much going on within our little family that has brought about some huge changes in our lives. All in all though, life has been good these past few weeks and there is much for me to share with you.

DDTF took this pic while we were on our cruise. It is very symbolic for me of the changes that have come into my life. When he captured this moment, I saw it as something to come back to that will remind me that there is always that some-one or that some-thing smiling down on me and looking after me. It makes me feel like I can breathe easily and with every breath I breathe new life and energy into every aspect of my life. This renewal feels so good!

Some family pics taken while we were enjoying our cruise.

At the risk of being repetitive, I again extend my most grateful thanks to those people who continue to pop in for a peek into my life and who never fail to reach out with love and kindness through the comment section. I intend to make my post more frequent and am about to go and make a long overdue visit to all those friends I haven’t stopped in at for some weeks.

GONE SAILING ...

2007-05-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

As always, my friend and inspiration allows me the indulgence of her pics to match exactly what I might be saying or feeling at any given time.

We are off on a much needed, well deserved cruise vacation for ten days.

For those celebrating the upcoming holiday, CHAG SHAVUOT SAMEACH.

To those in the USA - have a great Memorial Day weekend on the 28th.

To anyone and everyone good enough to still be visiting me after my extremely slack period - thank you, as always!

With Love ... until later.

CLICK ...

2007-05-15T11:33:00.000-07:00

... here for some inspiration.
Sound not essential.

WINNING ...

2007-04-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

Terri honored me with a THINKING BLOGGER AWARD.

When I got to the end of her post, I went *GULP* I WOULD NEVER HAVE THOUGHT SHE FELT THIS WAY! Then I again went *GULP* as I tried to swallow the fear of the technical challenge this honor presented me with. As I have written many times before, it is a complete miracle that I manage to get a thought from my head on to this blog page. I saw this as a challenge to rise to and felt it was the least I could do to thank Terri for honoring me this way.

Many years ago I did a workshop which asked this question:

DO YOU WANT TO WIN OR DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT?

I always thought I got the lesson in this completely. After reading what Terri wrote about me, I thought to myself that in spite of thinking all those many years ago that I had grasped the thinking behind that lesson, I actually think I only totally got it now. Getting this kind of acknowledgement felt like a real win to me. The beauty in all this is that no-one has had to be proven wrong for me to have won. When we get caught up in having to prove ourselves right, rarely does anyone win. If someone is walking away feeling I WAS RIGHT, then they are delighting in nothing more than proving someone wrong. Is there a win in that for anyone? I don’t think so.

Thank you, Terri and now I will attempt to follow the instructions correctly:

The rules state I am obliged to include the rules.

ONE:

If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that you would consider worthy of this award.

TWO:

Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

THREE:

Optional - Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote. Here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog.

Here are my 5 choices, in no particular order:

ONE:

SUPERHERO DESIGNS - I find this blog extremely inspirational. Andrea writes beautifully, takes beautiful photo's and makes beautiful things. Go see for yourself - I am sure you will love it if you don't already know it.

TWO:

JEN GRAY - A well known favorite read of mine and I frequently use pics from her site. Jen takes amazing photo's and has openly and so bravely shared her deepest feelings about her journey through divorce over the last year. It is hard to take pleasure from someone else's pain, but her work is inspirational.

THREE:

GARY - I love visiting this blog because of how simple it is to enjoy. I find it quite delightful and I really respect how Gary writes big stories in a few short lines. I have no doubt you will enjoy discovering this blog if it is new to you.

FOUR:

MRS GREEN THUMB - Her passion for everything she does is fantastic. She loves what ever she does and I think she wouldn't do something she didn't love doing. I have also come to value her words of wisdom that she kindly leaves in the comments section of my blog.

FIVE:

SPOOKIE - I think anyone with such devotion to her faith deserves acknowledgement. In spite of the difference in our religions which sometimes makes it difficult for me to totally relate to all that she writes about, I really do often question my level of commitment to things I believe in when I have visited Spookie. Without trying to, she keeps me on my toes.

47 ...

2007-03-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

It’s 2am and I am officially 47 years old. Today is my birthday.

Here are 47 things I am thinking about:

I never sleep well when DDTF is away.

I am so excited that DDTF will be returning home later today from a ten day trip to the UK and India.

One of my greatest pleasures is taking photo’s of Ross while he sleeps.

My Mom was 37 years old when I was born and I was 37 when Ross was born.

A memory that always comes to mind when I think of birthdays is of my 1981 birthday and I get a clear picture in my mind of my niece. She is 15 years younger than me and she loved the excitement of being with me. She was so cutely and firmly tucked under my arm to share the process of blowing out the 21 candles on my birthday cake.
Aside from my 21st birthday, only 7 other birthdays stand out in my mind without having to think hard about them.

My 10th, because my mom and sister hosted the coolest “hippie” themed party for me.

My 16th because my high school sweetheart and best friend threw me the most amazing surprise party.

My 18th because that is legal driving age in South Africa.

My 32nd because my dearly departed friend, Ady took me for lunch at the Zoo Lake Restaurant for us to celebrate both our birthdays which were a day apart.

My 40th which was celebrated in London with a great party.

My 43rd because my brother had passed away 17 days before that.

My 46th as I had fallen and broken my shoulder the day before.

I wonder if my Mom will remember when I ask her later exactly what she might have been doing at 2am. I was born around 2pm.

I miss my brother phoning to wish me happy birthday – I could always rely on that call.

I am thinking more about my 50th birthday than this 47th birthday.

47 feels a bit like a non-event birthday. It seems like it goes from 40 to 45 being birthdays of note, and then it’s all quite ho-hum until 50.

My consciousness was awoken when I was 24.

This year marks my tenth year of being diagnosed with Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy.

I am getting more and more in touch with the necessity for a deep sense of gratitude in my life.

In the shower tonight my son referred to my boobs as, “sacks!” There’s one for the ego.

I am excited about DDTF’s sister and her family coming from Canada next week to spend 5 days with us.

I often dream about winning the lottery and surprising everyone I love from around the world with a plan that would have them all meet up on a privately chartered flight to an exotic destination where we would all meet up and celebrate my birthday of that year. Perhaps one of them will give me a comma for that birthday.

My friend Jodi surprised me with HAPPY BIRTHDAY balloons and an AMERICAN IDOL balloon yesterday. When I got into bed to go to sleep I thought how kind that had been of her to do. Thanks, Jod’!

This is a long list to complete.

It’s now 3am and I am very hungry.

I’ve just had an idea to send myself flowers in honor of all those people who might be having a birthday today that are not as fortunate as me to have others extending good wishes to them. Daisies are my favorite. I like this idea.

I’m still debating with myself about whether I should go get something to eat.

I wonder how many birthday messages I might get on my blog today.

Ross has been so amazing while DDTF has been away for the last ten days. He told me the other night that one of the reasons he was created was to be my helper and protector. It brought me to tears.

I am loving the new series on DISCOVERY CHANNEL called Planet Earth.

Is it true that dogs have no concept of time?

Isn’t it strange that when Marti went to the library today to get a book that Ross needs for a project, she came home with a post-it note on which the librarian had written an authors name. She told Marti they didn’t have any books on the topic and we should search the internet for a series of books by the suggested author. This didn’t make any sense to me.

I have been wearing the same pair of summer sandals for well over 5 years and I am determined to find a new pair of sandals that I like as much, if not more than this pair for this summer.

I set myself a challenge to knit a scarf by the end of the year and I haven’t even casted on one stitch yet. I first intended to do this last year, I think … or was it the year before? For some reason I really want to accomplish this.

One of my dreams in life is to swim with dolphins. This urge never subsides. I think it would actually take a dolphin to get me into a swimsuit rather than this vision I have of myself in a full body wet suit.

I have just received my first ‘happy birthday’ email from Spookie in South Africa. The time difference has all my mates there already at work attending to their personal mail – haha.

I received a birthday package on Monday and Ross was surprised that I would not open it until today. I think I will wait for him to get home from school before I open it … or maybe I won’t and will just show him what it was.

I have just spoken to DDTF on the phone. He has just flown from Hydrabad to Frankfurt where he has a few hours to wait for his flight from Frankfurt back to the USA. I can’t wait to see him.

I have been friends with Denise since I was 17. She is in South Africa and we haven’t seen each other in going on 7 years. Although our friendship spans 30 years, we usually end up missing each other’s birthdays by either a day or a month or a couple of weeks. The basis of our friendship is so solid that we always have a good laugh about this. I am really keen to see if she remembers me TODAY. I am giggling as I write this.

I wonder who will be eliminated off American Idol this week. I have not enjoyed this season as much as previous ones.

It suddenly got so warm here today. I turned the heating off. Spring and the Fall are my favorite seasons.

I must send Ross out with the camera to look for signs of Spring budding in the garden.

I think I might be more excited than Ross about the almost two weeks he will have off school from next week for Passover/Pesach. I can’t wait for this school year to be over.

By this time of the year those of us in the Northern Hemisphere are panting like dogs to be let outside for extended, enjoyable periods of time. I thought this pic captures it brilliantly!

I am so going to raid my refrigerator right now.

I’m 47 – I am allowed to eat when I want to!

Love,
Dawn

REF. NUMBER 3.

EXPAT ...

2007-03-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

Without any kind of lengthy explanation as to where I have been and what I have been doing, I will burst back into action by having been prodded by the wonderful keeper of this blog.

I am honored that he chose me as one of a select few to tag.

Here’s hoping that my path will stay clear for me to continue updating on a far more regular basis. Thanks to EVERYONE who has continued to visit and to those who have emailed me.

And now, on with the expat tag:

Name 5 things you love in your new country:

Ross’ school.
The defined four seasons.
I never have to reverse park.
On a materialistic level that there is always someone out there with anything and everything you might think of to sell to you.
That my American nieces and nephew call me their Ant.

Name 4 things that you miss from your native country:

NO SNOW!
A complete sense of belonging and place on the planet.
My friends, relatives and all South Africans.
Calling the guy who pumps my gas, “Baba” and the lady who checks me out at the supermarket, “Mama.”

Name 3 things that annoy you a bit (or much) in your new country:

SNOW!
The healthcare system.
Gun laws.

Name 2 things that surprise you (or surprised you in the beginning) in your new country:

How wary people are of foreigners.
How conservative people are.

Name 1 thing that you would miss terribly in your new country, if you had to leave it:

The new, good friends I have made.

Thank you, NOMAD! I now tag TERRI.

As this is an expat post, I wanted to share this interesting news item which I read in a weekly newsletter I get from South Africa. The caption to the pic reads as follows:

Walter Galler, a man of Jewish origins, married a non-Jewish woman. When he died in August 1939 in Swakopmund, South West Africa, on the eve of World War II, his wife knew that some sort of Hebrew inscription had to be placed on his tombstone. The only Hebrew she could find was on a box of matzah. She ordered the stone cutter to inscribe on the tombstone those words plus a Jewish star. The stone cutter, not knowing Hebrew, erroneously placed the words upside down on the tombstone. And so the stone was inscribed with a Jewish star and the Hebrew words for “Kosher for Passover.” Some years later, the words in Hebrew were removed by an over zealous rabbi who was visiting the small Jewish cemetery in the town. Photo courtesy of Rabbi Richard Newman (from his book, Where the Desert Ends: The Jews of Namibia).

SURPRISE ...

2007-02-13T20:25:00.000-08:00

During a conversation on Saturday night, DDTF made the comment that he wanted his colleagues who were going to be in town for a meeting to be able to get home on time for Valentine’s Day. I was completely shocked by this statement as DDTF holds a major point of view or two about Valentine’s Day. He does not feel the need for a special day for people to declare their love for each other and the whole commercial aspect totally turns him off.

I am on the fence about Valentine’s Day. I think it can be fun but certainly don’t take it too seriously. I have in the past been known to phone DDTF at work by noon on the day to say that he better make certain SOMETHING gets delivered to the front door before he gets home. I certainly don’t feel unloved though if no chocolate hearts or roses are delivered.

He was equally surprised at how shocked I was that he would even take Valentine’s Day into consideration while planning the schedule for his colleagues this week. I explained to him that I was actually impressed and how thoughtful I thought it was to consider them in spite of the fact that the day holds no major importance for him.

When I pulled into the driveway this afternoon after getting Ross from school, I noticed there was a delivery of flowers that had been left at the front door. Ross ran ahead and brought it inside for me.

The card read:

Dawn

Just incase you would ever believe in a million years

that I would forget that today is the day to tell you

how much I love you.

X X

Not bad for a non-believer.

Love You, DDTF!

(The reason the flowers were delivered today is because a ‘snow day’ was forecast for our area for 2/14.)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO EVERYONE!

If you haven't watched the video at the end of my previous post ... please check it out ~

it shows a much loved being who spread a very unqiue love around the planet.

SNIPPETS...

2007-02-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

I finally got to see LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE and THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA. Many different emotions came to the surface while I was watching SUNSHINE. What I loved most about this movie is that it shows how in the depths of dysfunctional dynamics, the human spirit will shine through. It always looks so easy in the movies and I find myself wishing that there would be one of those magical moments in my family where everyone just gets it at the same time … but that’s what movies are for - things to wish on and dream about. It definitely lifted my spirit, I had a good laugh and a good sniffle. Although I have a strong suspicion that this year’s Academy Awards might end up looking more like the BRITISH ACADEMY OF FILM AND TELEVISION ARTS, I would be delighted to see LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE awarded an Oscar for Best Picture. As for THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA – if you love Meryl, sit back and delight in her brilliance. She is wonderful in this role and Stanley Tucci is always a treat. I would however love to see Kate Winslet walk off with the Oscar for Best Actress.

There are two things I don’t understand at all. (1) With all the technology available, how is it that weather cannot be accurately forecast – and so often it is totally off the mark. I find that very strange. (2) Again, with all the technology available, how is it that my telephone company can’t correct the fact that my international access was erroneously deactivated on January 18th and nothing has been done about it in spite of my constant calls to the various departments that the previous department transfers me to because they can’t fix this problem. What happened to the kind of service where when you were not getting the service you pay for, you could be connected to a Supervisor or SOMEONE who had the ability and inclination to take responsibility for getting your problem solved?

To those friends and relatives of mine around the world who might be reading this, believe me when I tell you I am doing everything in my power to get my international calling facility re-activated, but it is becoming glaringly obvious that I hold no power. The customer service representatives seem to be the new masters of the universe. I am hoping that the 9th customer service representative that I spoke to today proves to be the one who will feature as the leading man in what is starting to feel like my own re-make of Lord of the Rings! I do have a tale that is more pleasing when it comes to customer service which you can read about here.

About a month ago, DDTF and I were out and about doing errands. It was a Saturday and for some reason, I found myself homesick for London. I sent Marti a text message saying that I wasn’t sure why, but my mood was such that I really felt like shopping at the Harlequin, then doing a good shop at Sainsbury’s and then going to hang out with my girlfriends Paula and Lauren. A few hours later I got a call from Paula in London telling me that she and her husband were coming to NYC for the weekend in a month’s time. I told her how amazing this was as just earlier the same day I had been wishing I could come hang out with her. I have not seen Paula in four years and I am so excited about their arrival tomorrow. They will be staying with us until Monday when they head back.

Ross recently completed an art project at school. Each kid had to choose an artist and no two kids were allowed to study the same one. With our assistance he chose British sculptor, Henry Moore. To encourage the kids to get to a museum, they were offered extra credit if they included a postcard or souvenir from a museum showing they had viewed works by their chosen artist. As the two main permanent exhibits featuring Henry Moore are in Buffalo and Toronto, we decided to take a drive to Princeton University where there is a sculpture on the campus. In addition to the typical research project that had to be prepared, the kids had to create a piece of original art inspired by the style of the artist they had studied.

'OVAL WITH POINTS'

ROSS' CLAY CREATION WHICH HE NAMED 'MOTHER AND CHILD.'

THERE ARE PLAQUES LIKE THIS IN THE WALLS ALL OVER THE CAMPUS ADDING CHARM TO THE WONDERFUL BULDINGS.

THEN YOU SEE THE RESULT OF AN IDIOT'S APATHY WHICH CREATES AN UNFORTUNATE PICTURE LIKE THIS, AMONGST SO MUCH BEAUTY.

In response to the requests for the recipe of DDTF’s dessert mentioned in my previous post – He had first intended making this recipe. We noticed too late that the crepes needed to stand for a while and we had not allowed for that. Because DDTF really knows how to create magic in a moment in the kitchen, he came up with his own variation of that recipe combined with this one.

If you don’t know who ‘Ross the Intern’ is from NBC’s The Tonight Show, you can check out his blog here. I adore this Ross (not as much as "my" Ross, of course!) so I was thrilled to receive this YouTube link today for two reasons. It shows how hilarious Ross is, and I think it is the coolest tribute to the much loved and sorely missed Croc Hunter – Steve Irwin.

(Click on the arrow in the center of the picture - if necessary, click a second time. 'Loading' should appear in the center of the screen and then it starts playing. Remember to turn your speakers on first.)

TREATS...

2007-01-30T17:02:00.000-08:00

Because I rarely get time to sit quietly and read, I listen to books on CD in the car. A few days ago, while parked at Ross’ school waiting for him to come out, I realized that I had not heard anything during that day’s 20 minute drive to the school. My mind had wandered to such an extent that I had to rewind the disc to where I had left off the last time I had been in the car.

I was thinking about the whole concept of ‘Passing it Forward.’ In June 2005, my friend this gift. I emailed her to ask her for her t-shirt size as well as for her sister Angel - the name says it all! The idea of this gift grew and grew and finally, a week before Christmas, I had a box packed and ready to mail off to South Africa. The box included gifts for Spookie and her family, Angel and her son, NMOTB and her kids and various other family relatives. Purely through the magic of the internet, this group of people have become very important to me and I really wanted to send them something that would reflect the value of their friendships. Mentioning this is not to highlight what I did. What I will highlight is what a powerful experience it was for me sharing their excitement and pleasure in receiving these gifts. They all got together at NMOTB’s house and fortunately I was at my desk at the right time. There is a 7 hour time difference so being here at the same time as each other can be tricky. I shared the whole experience with them on Yahoo Messenger and it was nothing short of fantastic. I had been in a real slump before that as mentioned in my previous post. The magic of sharing this with them, even though it was all on line, lifted my spirit right out of the slump I was in.

The gathering of the South African crew!

My thoughts while driving were of the power in simplicity. There was nothing complicated about putting this box of goodies together. There was no effort involved in sending it on to South Africa. Nothing could have been simpler. It really is true that there is no greater way to receive than in giving.

As I continued on my drive, I started thinking about those things that we tend to just float through and how we even overlook just how much of a treat they are. Those things that just fall into place without any effort or emotional struggle. I thought to myself that these little treats are nothing short of miracles because I think it is the Universe’s way of saying, “There you go, sister – here’s something just for you, just because!”

Ross’ school hosted a breakfast event and a performance by Caryn Lin. I had never heard of this musician before so I had no idea what to expect. I invited my neighbor, Denise to join me and while we were enjoying the presentation, we agreed that having the time together to savor the talents of this woman was indeed a treat. In addition to showing the kids the magic they can create with music and technology, she spoke about the need for believing in yourself and that if you want to do something, don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. She had apparently been told by a music instructor at an audition she had attended as a child that she had no talent. At the end of the show, I went up to her to thank her and told her that I loved the message she was putting out to the kids and how this part of her presentation was totally unexpected and had added to the overall treat of the experience.

While scanning the crowd with my camera, I found my little man Ross in the audience. Little did I know he had been watching me look for him. It was a real treat when we realized we were looking at each other. Don't you just love the sign language?

In the comments of my previous post, I love how Gary made reference to my ‘groove.’ Because I was out of my groove for a while, I didn’t blog at all about our holiday season. While looking through my pics for this post, I thought to myself that it is a real treat having a husband who can go from being Mr Brave Features, or DDTF as we have come to know him on this blog … to Martha Stewart Features and take it all in his stride. DDTF treated us to one of his dessert creations on New Year’s Eve. Without any effort and enjoying the sheer pleasure of the process he served up yet another winning treat.
Bananas sauted in orange juice served with crushed hazelnuts, coffee meringue and vanilla ice cream with a balsamic caramel sauce.

Last Friday we celebrated my sister’s birthday with a lovely family dinner at our home. I went to get Ross from school and when I came home, DDTF had taken care of getting the table set. I was flabbergasted when I saw what an amazing job he had done. It really set the tone for a magical meal and evening and I hope this year in my sister’s life will follow on from that.

DDTF was promoted to Captain of his rig for 2007. Here he is handing his Lieutenant’s badge to the new Lieutenant taking over from him.

My sister spoke of how special it is to be surrounded by family and that our families are the most important thing.

Me, My Sister and my Mom

Talking to people who have a particularly articulate command of the English language is a real treat for me. My cousin, Jennifer in South Africa and my friend, Dave in New Zealand (known to readers of this blog as DovNos Bootman in the comments section) are two such people. Unfortunately distance limits our conversations to being primarily on Yahoo Messenger but I frequently learn new words from them and have my spelling corrected as and when necessary. There is no room for typing errors when talking to these two people. They pounce on me to correct things and I love them for it.

In a previous post (oh how boring it is getting that I STILL can’t link you back to one of my own previous posts at one click of your mouse … so, see LABELS …. October 23) I wrote this about my eyebrows in a photo I had taken of myself with my cell phone/camera: “I am not quite sure what the eyebrow/centipede thing is all about.”

More recently while chatting with Dave on Yahoo, we engaged in this exchange:

DAVE: That was the loveliest bit of anthropomorphism I have seen for a long time.
DAWN: What the fuck does that mean, please?
DAVE: That's the way your ponim* works, sweetheart. It means giving animals human qualities.
*ponim: Face in Yiddish.

While out to lunch, DDTF took this pic of me and Ross.

I kid you not people, this pic clearly declares me and my eyebrow an anthropomorphismist ... take that Jen and Dave!

Consider making Tuesdays your TUESDAY TREATS day. Try make all your thoughts and experiences be nothing short of a treat for yourself. That night you can lay your head to rest knowing you are now officially a TREATIST.

OUT OF THE DARK ...

2007-01-19T05:10:00.000-08:00

I haven’t leapt off the planet. I also haven’t given up on my blog either although I couldn’t blame anyone for thinking I had exercised either of these two options.

What I have been doing is trying to recover from an incident with my step son that left me nothing short of emotionally shattered. What I have learnt over these past few weeks is that when people knowingly have issues and they choose to do nothing to resolve them, they become bullies. Behaving like a bully is not limited to young school children on the playground. Whether you are the young school child on the playground or a mature adult, the abusive behavior of a bully is hurtful and damaging.

When this dark side of my life confronts me, I close down. My creative energy grinds to a halt and I have to retreat. I need time to calm myself and to recover.

I could have returned to my blog and simply have launched into an overdue update of the holiday season. I made several attempts at doing that over these last few weeks but it just didn’t work. Part of me feels that if I were to share the in depth details of this area of my life it could be of help and benefit to other step parents. I know I get a lot of comfort from knowing I am not the only step parent in the world who very often struggles with the harsh realities of this role. I always appreciate the emails I get from people who are in a similar situation. What stops me from doing this is not knowing who reads my blog. If I were to write in detail about my step parenting experience, I fear hurting people’s feelings. While there might not be much love lost between me and my step son, I would never intentionally do, say or write anything to hurt him. I don’t know if he reads my blog and I would prefer he became aware of my feelings through conversation between us. He does not avail himself to that and in fear of doing emotional damage, I limit my discussion here.

In spite of these self imposed limitations, I hope my blog always reflects my truth. Whether those people who read it agree with it or not is their prerogative. I fear that if I were to express any more than I do when it comes to my role as a step mother, I would further complicate an already complicated situation. In that context, I feel content with the amount of information I have shared here in my attempt to truthfully describe where I have been.

And now, with that said – I find it easier to move on to lighter and more joyful news – with light being the operative word.

In celebration of Chanukah we took Ross to shul for a menorah lighting ceremony. All the kids in the congregation were invited to bring their own menorahs and candles to light. We were the first to arrive and noticed there was one lonely menorah with the candles almost all burnt out. I ask the attendant who had lit the menorah and she went on to tell me how earlier that evening, there had been a ring at the door. The man ringing the bell told her that he was not from the area but had noticed the shul and thought he would stop in and enquire about whether he would be able to light the candle of the day. She welcomed him into the building, found a menorah and candles for him and invited him to go ahead and enjoy making the blessing on the candles. Before doing so, he brought out his cell phone, got his wife and kids on speaker phone and together they recited the blessing and sang their Chanukah songs.

I found myself tearing up as this story unfolded. This story captures the spirit of Chanukah so perfectly because it is all about spreading the light outward, from within. I told the Rabbi that even he couldn’t have scripted a more profound Chanukah story. I am not a fan of electric menorahs in the home. I prefer the real items; especially like the one Ross made at school this year. However, as I listened to the Rabbi sharing this story with the children around the table, I promised myself that I was going to buy one. During the celebration of Chanukah a menorah should shine in your window so that your home can be seen to be shining light out into the darkness. I would like to know that if a stranger were alone and wanting to celebrate this holiday, my window would draw that person in.

It was a really fulfilling evening and set the tone for a joyous and special Chanukah for our family this year.

As we already approach the end of the first month of 2007, I extend belated good wishes from me and mine to you and those you love. Here’s to a happy, healthy and gentle year ahead.

NEW ...

2006-12-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

Once I am out of the fog of this last week, I will take the huge step toward getting with the program of updating my blog to the new technology. One of the things I also intend doing is making a regular feature of, 'MY FAVORITE INCOMING EMAIL OF THE WEEK.'

I received this piece today. It is not the first time I have seen it. The beauty of it is that it is always appropriate to what is going on when you do receive it. What I need today is reassurance, so it couldn't have come at a better time.

'Thank you, Ed' for sharing it with me.

My wish is that you will gain some inspiration from it.

[ My prayer is that Blogger doesn't turn this into a spacing monstersaurus-rex challenge for me :o) ]

(Added later - 'montesaurus-rex' is putting it mildly. As much as I love you, my blog, this piece, every single living, breathing and walking thing in the entire universe, I can't fix it or work out how it looks perfect on the 'create page' and like this on the published page. I hope you will still enjoy it!)

The Awakening

by Sonny Carroll

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your

tracks and somewhere, the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and cying, or struggling to hold on. And, like a child

quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you

shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of

wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes,

This is your awakening ...

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to

change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the

next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming

and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world, there aren't always fairy

tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily

ever after" must begin with you and in the process,

a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always

love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled

to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and

championing yourself and in the process, a sense of

new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you

(or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they

say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that

it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care

of yourself and in the process, a sense of

safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they

are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process,

a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself and the world around you,

is a resultof all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche.

You begin tosift through all the junk you've been fed about how you

should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,

what you should wear and where you should shop

and what you should drive, how and where you should live and

what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what

you should expect of a marriage, the importance of

having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view.

You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the

doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have brought into to begin with

and in the process, you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive and there there is power and glory

in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a

"consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals

of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon

which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything; it's not your job to save the world

and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry

and that mrtyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving

and when to walk away. You learn not to project your

needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be more beautiful,

more intelligent, more lovable or more important because of the

man on your arm or the child that bears your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would

have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love;

and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms,

just to make you happy.

You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You look in the mirror and come to terms with

the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10

and you stop trying to compete with

the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over

and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK

and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things

you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love,

kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less.

You allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes

you, to glorify you with his touch and in the process,

you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that you body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it

and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet,

drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.

You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear.

So you take more time to rest. Just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul;

so you take time to laugh and to play.

You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you believe you deserve

and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is work working for

and that wishing for something to happen,

is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction,

discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone

and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time:

FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears,

because you know that whatever happens you can handle it

and to give in to fear, is to give away the right to

live on your terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud

of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get

what you think you deserve and that

sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions, you learn not to personalize things.

You learn that G-d isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers;

it's just life happening.

You learn to deal with evil in it most primal state; the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment

must be understood and redirected or they will

suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many

of the simple things we take for granted;

things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about;

a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself,

by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to

never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.

You hand a wind chime outside your window so you can

listen to the wind, and you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep

trusting and stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with G-d by your side

you take a stand, you take a deep breath

and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

ooo000ooo

www.jengray.com

LIFE ...

2006-12-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

The last job I had in South Africa was one that I myself was shocked at getting. It was completely out of character for where I was in my life at that time. I remember all the different reactions I got from the various friends and relatives as I told them that I had applied for and been accepted to work at a temple/shul/synagogue. The one common thread was that of surprise.

I had grown up in a traditional Jewish home where all the holidays were celebrated. On a day to day basis we were aware of our Jewishness but we were not religiously observant. Our home was not kosher and we did not observe Shabbat/the Sabbath. My mother did however always light candles on Friday night and ‘Friday night supper’ was not to be missed. It was a family gathering at either my Uncle’s house, my Mom’s lifelong friend who was my Auntie Lily, or at our own home. No matter what was going on, I knew I had to be at Friday night supper, and I was … and I wanted to be there, too. We were like the average non-observant Jewish family in that we were proud of our heritage and content with attending shul services on Pesach/Passover, Rosh Hashana/New Year, Yom Kippur/Day of Atonement and various other holidays in between. I do have very clear memories of attending some Friday night/Shabbat services with my father when I was a much younger child.

Prior to looking for a job, I had worked freelance in the P.R./Promotions industry. I was flat broke and desperately needed to get on to some kind of regular income. I was single and was still recovering from the emotional ravages of having endured an ectopic pregnancy. I was 30 years old and had been in a relationship for two years that I knew was going nowhere. In spite of this, it had been easier to stay in it than to leave it. My emotional stability was seriously in question. Although I was essentially single, I was very clear that I was going to keep this baby – the problem was more how to get rid of the father from my life on a daily basis but allow him to be involved in his child’s life.

With the loss of this pregnancy, a spiritual journey started for me that has basically never ended. My first stop along the way started when I noticed the vacancy advertised in the local newspaper. It mentioned it was for a large Jewish congregation and what appealed to me was the four and a half day week. The offices would of course close at 1pm on Fridays for the preparation of Shabbat/Sabbath, so of course there would be no work on Saturdays either.

I was first interviewed by the office manager, then called back for an interview by the Management Committee and then finally for a third interview to be conducted by the Rabbi.

I did have an impressive resume but it was totally unrelated to any of the requirements for this job. Within minutes of my interview with the Rabbi, I knew I wanted this job. He read my resume, asked me all the questions that any prospective employer would ask and I answered them all perfectly. I was struggling to keep my shit together as I was so emotionally fragile. The empathy I could feel emanating from this incredible human being was making me feel very vulnerable. I instinctively knew that there was no coincidence I had ended up in front of this man and that I needed to be in this environment for my own healing as much as I needed the job for my own survival.

When all the formalities were over, he sat and stared at me for a few moments across the desk and then said to me, “I’ve read and heard what you have done for the last few years, now I would like you to tell me who you really are.”

I chuckled and said, “I’m not sure you have the time for that right now,” and felt my nervousness rising. I remember thinking that if I told this guy the reality of the person sitting in front of him, I would be fired before I got hired.

“Yes, I do.’ he said.

Close to an hour and a half later I walked out of the office feeling like all the weight I had been carrying on my shoulders had been lifted. I didn’t know why, and I’m not sure I understood what I was feeling, but I did know I was feeling lighter – and it felt better than how I had felt when I walked in some hours earlier.

As I got to the door of his office I thought to myself, “Oh my goodness, if he only knew I don’t even have underwear on under my long skirt….” I don’t usually go commando, but I had a painful scar from the surgery I had undergone to have my one tube removed and it was just more comfortable to go without underwear. As if reading my mind, as I was about to close his office door behind me he said, “Thank you for your honesty, Dawn.” Still keeping it together, I casually smiled and thanked him for listening to me when in fact I had nearly jumped out of my skin from shock at his comment.

A few days later I got the call from the office manager who had been the first to interview me, and she was happily offering me the job. To the South Africans reading this, I was in DIONS in Wynberg when I got the message on my beeper. There were no cell phones yet. I ran to the information desk and begged them to let me use the phone, and I told Helene that she had made my day by offering me the job.

The essence of my job was dealing with the life-cycle events. This meant that I would receive a call from both congregants as well as non-members from within the community at large requiring assistance in the event of a birth, death, marriage, Bar/Bat Mitzvah within their family.

I have stories from this experience that would justify having a blog dedicated to them and nothing else. What got me thinking along the lines of this post, is the way my life has gone for the last two weeks since my last post.

The course of my working day would be so varied. I recall clearly the events of one day. I had just taken a phone call from the grandfather of a baby who had suffered a cot/crib death. (SIDS)

I followed the required procedure of the call and scheduled the time for the family to come in to complete the necessary paperwork to process the burial of their infant. As I put the phone down, it rang again. It was the mother of a bride-to-be for a wedding the Rabbi would be officiating at some months down the line. She made reference to how long she had held on for me on the line and then proceeded to explain the reason for her call. A Jewish wedding ceremony takes place under a chuppah. In most shuls these are traditionally blue or red. This Mom wanted to know what color ours was as she was concerned about how it would match with the color scheme of the wedding party.

By the time I had ended this call, the Rabbi had responded to my internal office call to come and meet with me so that I could explain to him the details surrounding the family who would soon be presenting themselves in my office.

At this stage of my three year span in this job, I was very confident in what I was doing and in spite of my lack of formal training in bereavement counseling, I had gained a lot of experience and knowledge under the superb guidance and instruction from the Rabbi. I had proven sufficiently to him that I had an instinctive empathy for these kinds of situations which is why he would always respond without question when I would alert him to a situation that I was certain needed his intervention. This was most certainly one such time.

I all but slammed the phone down on the Mom who was extremely concerned about the potential clash of colors and expressed strong views about how pathetic this all seemed to me in light of the call I had taken just before her.

It was in the discussion that followed between me and the Rabbi that I learnt one of the most valuable lessons in my life. He explained to me how in that moment, the wedding of that woman’s daughter was without a doubt thee most important thing in her life. Nothing held more purpose or meaning for her, clearly right down to the smallest of details, however insane it might have appeared to me by virtue of the sequence of events I was faced with handling. It was my job in my professional capacity to extend the respect to each situation that it deserved, acknowledging without any shred of judgment the importance of each one to each person. That lesson has stayed with me ever since then and I draw on the experience of it very, very often.

It was this awareness that has helped me get through the events of the last two weeks in my own life.

It has been a challenging time for me as things have gone from what might seem like totally unimportant to the next person to deeply important to me. What has been amazing to me is that although circumstances have forced me off the blogging radar, my comments box holds 30 messages and my email IN BOX has brought me a steady flow of mail expressing concern from people I might never have the opportunity to meet in person.

So while we go about the daily activities of our lives, we need to always remember that what we see on the surface can so often be as far removed from the reality of what’s going on as is possible.

My sister sent me this beautiful message back on December 6th. Please watch it with sound ~ it will make a lovely addition to any internet/email wish you might want to extend to someone you love and are grateful for. If you would like to use it, this is the link. http://www.support4change.com/spirit/explaining.html

p.s. The full extent of the relationship that grew between me and my teacher, friend and mentor, the late Rabbi Ady Assabi, can be read in a previous post. VOWS on September 5th, 2005

PHEW ...

2006-12-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

It’s interesting how different cultures express different feelings. If I was in South Africa this last week, I would have described how I felt as, “Feeling really kak.” If we were still living in England it would be referred to as, “Feeling poorly.” Another way of describing it would be, “Under the weather.” This creature best reflects how and where I have been this week, better than any words from any culture.

I am finally feeling much better and hope to get myself totally back on track by the end of this weekend. This will of course include catching up on my blogging – it has been an eventful week in spite of how crap I might have felt. In addition, I will most certainly have paid long overdue visits to everyone who has been kind enough to pop in and say hello.

It’s World Aids Day today ~ everyone is choosing gifts for different reasons for different people. By shopping one (RED) item you will make a difference in many lives. Please consider adding it to your list.

Shabbat Shalom to those Shabbat-ing, and a wonderful weekend to everyone.

If you have approximately 7 minutes to spare, watching this video will re-charge your batteries, I promise!

2006-12-01T07:13:00.000-08:00

ENTERTAINMENT ...

2006-11-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

I got this from a friend in New Zealand.

For those who think they know women inside-out, you might want to check this out first.

Enjoy!

THANKFUL ...

2006-11-21T22:55:00.000-08:00

FOR the opportunity to have enjoyed a reunion with DDTFM youngest brother. DD has three younger siblings. The last time Ross and I saw this one of the the three guys in the family was six years ago. He lives in Sydney, Australia and passed through NJ for just over 24 hours on his way home from a conference in Kalamazoo. Unfortunately I did not get a pic of him in his t-shirt that read something to the effect of: YES, THERE REALLY IS A PLACE CALLED KALAMAZOO. Ross had the best time taking Uncle Adam on a tour of his school and introducing him to everyone.

FOR my midnight lunacy and [maybe] creepy passion for taking pics of my favorite men on the planet and Ms Pingy while they are all asleep.

FOR the fact that last week a scan revealed that the 7cm Stage 4 Lung Cancer tumor that my father in law was diagnosed with earlier this year has now shrunk to 2cm. He has three chemo sessions scheduled between now and the end of this year. It is expected that he will have to undergo no further chemo treatments after that. My mother in law has been his rock through this ordeal and I want to honor her for that.

This is a youthful pic of my mother in law and her three sisters taken in Glasgow, Scotland where she grew up. She is second from the left.

For the power of the internet and the opportunity to have been humbled this way.

For the great 4th Grade Thanksgiving party DDTFM and I got to help out at on Monday. Ross has the coolest teacher and she arranges really fun events for the class. She themed an old fashioned party to show the kids how people entertained themselves at gatherings before the internet age. The apple dunking was a huge success - the kids had a blast. They also strung popcorn and Cheerio necklaces.

FOR the new CD's I've really been vibing to. I haven't bought new music for the longest time. I highly recommend all of these.
JJ CALE & ERIC CLAPTON - ESCONDIDO
TONY BENNETT - DUETS An American Classic
BOB DYLAN - MODERN TIMES
ROD STEWART - STILL THE SAME Great Classics of Our Time

STILL A PRETTY TASTY VINTAGE, DON'T YA THINK?

FOR the fact that I am married to such a brave and kind being creating the most wonderful human experience for himself and everyone around him.

FOR my beautiful son.

For your friendship and for how you honor me by continuing to read my blog and for sharing this view of my world - even those people who don't make it known that they have been here.

Wishing you and those you love a Happy Thanksgiving.

PEACE OUT!

and FOR the fact that Blogger had me sign in and out conservatively - only about 58928 times to get all these pics posted and to attempt to get the alignment the way I want it - and still not succeed with the alignment. Oh happy blogging days!

QUICKIE ...

2006-11-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

EMPOWERMENT ...

2006-11-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Last week I discovered, by pure chance that my step-daughter, Alex had made a decision that I would describe as nothing more than a bad error of judgment on her part. When these things happen I am convinced more and more of the natural laws of the universe and how there truly are no coincidences. There are those times when without having to go looking for the information, it is “delivered” to the parents, and a successful intervention takes place by virtue of which the child benefits greatly. Then there are those times when a parents instinct will guide them to a point at which the parent has to make a choice about taking the initiative to get involved or not. I do acknowledge that there are most certainly times where situations are best served by parents not involving themselves. This was not one such time.

There was a third party parent of a friend involved in the scenario which angered me very much. Alex rightly said that blame should not be laid at this parent’s door because ultimately Alex made the choice in the situation. I agreed with her and said that given her age and lack of life experience, I felt Alex could be allowed room for error. The other parent however, I felt should have known better in the situation and she should either not have participated in the way she did, or at least suggested to Alex that she alert either me or DDTF as to what was going to take place. With respect for Alex’s privacy I will not elaborate on the detail of the situation. Suffice to say it entailed the purchase of a costly item at a most untimely juncture in Alex’s life – in the big scheme of things, not a big deal, but on a deeper level, a major deal.

I immediately brought it to Alex’s attention and explained that I had literally stumbled on the information that had enlightened me to the purchase. Alex immediately said that she had wanted to tell me but having realized she had made a mistake, she felt extremely scared to do so.

This upset me and motivated me to point out to her that her father and I have never been the kind of parents who stand over their children waving big sticks. What we have tried our level best to encourage is the truthful communication of what is going on in their lives, good, bad or other.

I asked her what she was scared of. She didn’t know. I questioned her about what I describe as her addiction to drama. Sometimes I feel that she is fueled by drama therefore her life unfolds as one drama to be addressed after another. While I fully appreciate this is part and parcel of growing up and these are all essential stops we make on the roller coaster of life – I do believe life can be experienced without a non-stop flow of drama.

The conversation that took place between us was calm and productive. I was pleased at the ease with which we found ourselves working through this situation. I pointed out to Alex that this scenario was a perfect example of what I had been trying to explain to her in a conversation we had shared about a week ago. At that time I told her that we achieve nothing by dealing with the topics of situations, but that in order to work through blocks in our lives, we need to address the issues. I asked her if she saw how in this situation the item purchased was nothing more than a topic, but that the issue is her fear … and that the issue is what she needs to take a longer, harder and deeper look at. The purchased item, who cares – put it on ebay and sell it.

A few days earlier, I had watched an OPRAH show which completely and utterly freaked me out. The show featured 15 year old Jessica Coleman who at age 15 had hidden a pregnancy from her family, school and entire community. Having given birth in the bathroom, she then hid the baby in a bag in her bedroom and after having cleaned herself and the bathroom, went and sat down at the table to have dinner with her family.

Jessica and her boyfriend then added rocks to the duffle bag in which they had stuffed the baby and threw it into the quarry. You can read more about this here and here.

In her interview with OPRAH from the jail in which she is being held, she explained that her motivating factor for doing what she did was fear.

I was in tears by the end of the show and I was surprised that I felt no anger toward this young woman. It stayed with me for days after I saw the show. This girl was to all intents and purposes a model daughter and student.

At the risk of sounding dramatic, I walked away from my conversation with Alex and I thought to myself that this is how these insane things happen in the world. It all starts in homes like yours and mine. I had asked myself HOW this child could go from delivering a baby in the bathroom to sitting down for dinner and NOBODY picked up any kind of strange vibe from her. I asked myself HOW can you not feel safe enough to go to a parent, friend, teacher, church/shul member and say, “Help – I have made a terrible mistake and I am in trouble.” No, I did not feel anger. I felt deep sadness and confusion about the whole thing.

Being a parent takes constant, conscious participation. I think that sometimes when all looks good and how we would like it to look on the surface, we can so easily be caught off our guard. Our children are masters at the art of disguise. Ultimately, it comes down to communication. While they might hate us for it in the moment, by forcing our way into their lives if we have to, our presence there can be the difference between a life and death situation. No matter how insignificant the situation might seem, knowing they have parents or at least some ONE they can turn to is vital. As hard as it might be to admit to oneself, if your relationship with your child is less than ideal, appoint someone to step in and make it known to the child that they can always turn to that person.

This was a good reminder to me that our children are not the only ones involved in learning as they grow. So do we as parents. We have to be committed to keeping ourselves as open to receiving the lessons intended for us, as we want our children to be for their own growth.

It was only on this show that I learnt of the SAFE HAVEN LAWS. I had never heard of this law in the five years that I have lived here. I am sure most people do know about it – but if not, it is worth looking into how it works in your local area.

I pray that Alex heard me and that in time she will come to terms with her fear. I have fears of my own and I am very pleased that I have learnt to allow them their rightful place in my life and how to not let them hold me back.

My parenting experience has shown me that when our children are heard, they experience their own power. When you feel your own power, don’t you feel more safe and secure? Our kids deserve to receive at least that one gift from us – the gift of empowerment.

I thank you in advance of you reading this Alex for letting me share this story

INSTALLING ...

2006-11-08T22:01:00.000-08:00

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it OK to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see ... I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem - Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called Sense of Self-Worth. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: OK. done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't Worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self, Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: OK, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the My Heart directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey, my Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love in installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you.

Thank YOU for sending this to me, Bev.